Joy: Creation

We are just about half way through our time here in Fort Collins, and it’s been a blessing on so many levels. I feel like I’m learning so much about myself, and that God has had me in the most beautiful dance of convicting me of sin and ugliness in myself, then showering me with grace and love, and surrounding me with beautiful people who love the Lord and love me- some who really have no reason to. There is a lot I could say, and my sincere intention is to share more here over the next couple days and weeks now that our classes are over and time is a bit more available.

For today, I wanted to share some photos of some of the beautiful sights we’ve seen lately. I was putting pictures on my computer this afternoon and had the thought, “Okay, we have spent time (not to mention live) in some of, what has to be, the world’s most beautiful places in the last month.” I realize that some people never get to hike and live and walk and behold such beautiful and glorious things. So, I feel thankful and privileged.

AND, starting today I started a “My joys” book- a journal full of things I’m thankful to the Lord for. Have heard that living in gratitude is a real heart, soul, and mind changer. I’m down for that. The images here are certainly included in my joys! En-JOY!

“When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, 
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, 
 what is mankind that you are mindful of them?” Psalm 8

Maundy Thursday and Dancer.

We attended a Maundy Thursday service last night at church. In case you don't know (because I didn't) Maundy means “mandate”, and this is the observance and memorial of Jesus’ institution of the meal we still share together as the Body of Christ, and his commandment- his mandate- given after washing his disciple’s feet, which says: “I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.” (John 13:15) 

Just as I have done to you, so you must do. He then goes on to say how no servant is greater than his master. Jesus is clear in saying that he has set an example not just that his disciples would see it and move along, but they, we, would follow and imitate his example. That we would do just as he did.

One of the things that struck me most last night was the fact that Jesus washed Judas’ feet, as well. He didn’t skip the betrayer. He didn’t even qualify his mandate to the "good" disciples to say, “Do what I have done…except Judas will leave and betray me so don’t worry about that guy.” Let's not forget the "good" disciples turn out not so good only a few hours later. Peter would deny him and they would all scatter out of fear and disbelief, as he was nailed to a cross for even their sins. This is truly a difficult command, one that brings us to the end of ourselves and that challenges our sense of entitlement and opinions of who is deserving.

I feel thankful that just a few weeks ago, the Lord brought this reality home for me. City Team is one of the ministries that our church serves. The organization wears lots of hats, but generally, they serve the poor and marginalized of San Francisco through substance abuse recovery, serving meals, and providing clothing and any other resources they can. 

On Saturdays, one of their ministries is foot washing. Folks can come in off the streets and have their feet washed, soaked, massaged, lotioned, powdered, and finished off with a new pair of socks. Throughout that process, the foot-washers gets the privilege of hearing life stories, praying for their “clients”, and making a pretty intimate relational connection. The intent of the foot-washing ministry is to meet a tangible need of many people whose feet are hurting, sore, and dirty from always walking and being outside; but I think more obviously and significantly, the heart of the ministry is to follow Jesus’ example.

So, Matt and I spent our time with City Team a few weeks ago washing feet. It was beautiful, really. But I’ll get to my real point. 

I washed three men’s feet. The third man’s name was “Dancer”. He cut in line to get his feet washed, but somehow got away with it, so there he sat in my chair. Over the forty-five minutes we spent together, he shared with me how he been to jail for beating up his girlfriend and stabbing someone. He explained how he will never leave San Francisco because he can get SO much free stuff…how he doesn’t even need most of it…how he takes food and toiletries from City Team but has more than enough in the residential hotel room he lives in. He explained how he and his girlfriend have a crack habit and how he would dump her because she’s selfish, but then he’d be lonely. I didn’t like Dancer. To be completely honest and blunt about it, I was disgusted by him and there I was washing his feet, rubbing lotion on them, powdering them, right before he tried to take an extra pair of socks when everyone else only got one. Something that felt righteous in me did not want to be washing Dancer’s feet. Something in me told me he didn’t deserve it. No, I didn’t like Dancer and I wanted to excuse him from the foot-washing station and my presence. 

But then I remembered that I follow Jesus, who though none were deserving, not one, he kept himself on the cross for the sake of the greedy, murderous, idolatrous, deceitful, and rebellious world.

“Truly, truly I say to you, no servant is greater than his master…” John 13:16

This mandate of Jesus is difficult, but it is beautiful, it sets us free, and it is His Way. It is the way of undeserved grace, mercy, and service, and pure, true, and radical humility. Oh, to become more like him.  

Capturing Spring

There are few things as wonderful as a sunny, warm San Francisco day (maybe a sunny, warm San Luis Obispo day. We have surely lived in some great places.) Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons (though, I reallllly love summer, too. I'm not good at picking "favorite" things). Alas, spring finally arrived over the last few weeks and it has been truly wonderful. A beautiful day, the sun shining, a warm breeze, and blue skies can seriously do wonders for my soul. I think living in San Francisco makes you appreciate sunny days so much more because, let's get real, you see less of them than many of our fellow Californians. I like that I have a stronger and more sincere appreciation for the sun nowadays. I'm hoping the sun starts to appreciate me and gets me some color soon, too!! Just thought I'd share some photos I've taken on the go over the past couple of weeks as I've been happily welcoming Spring!

 I think clouds are so beautiful. Particularly when there is a brilliant blue behind them.  

On a walk at dusk. Dusk is my favorite time of day. Don't hold me to that, though. Again, I don't do favorites very well. I love looking over the city from a high point near our house.
 

Reading at the park. Sneak attack on Matt.  

This park is literally a 10 second walk from our house. Maybe 15 if a car doesn't let you cross at the crosswalk. Rude. I am really thankful for that. I love going and watching kids play there- which I realize is super creepy- but it reminds me of childhood, simplicity, carefree-ness, and they are just so darn cute. 

I take great pleasure from warm days. 

"This is the point of all pleasure... Pleasure says: “God is like this, only better; don’t make an idol out of me. I only point to him.” -John Piper

I can't imagine how pleasurable Heaven will be. Like a warm SF day forever. 

Retreating and the temptation to stay normal

Matt and I got the real privilege of attending CPC’s all church retreat this weekend. CPC is Matt’s home church, and what I feel like is mine, as well. We feel so loved and supported by so many of the gracious, kind, and generous people who call that church home. Seriously, these are quality people, and we always feel humbled and challenged by their humility and love.  We really enjoyed the time in the mountains, spending time with Matt’s parents, getting to see some friends that we don’t see often enough but love when we do, and hearing from a speaker who you could tell genuinely loves Jesus and wants to follow him with everything. By the end of the weekend I felt refreshed and like God had done some work in my heart, and I am really thankful for that. At times I can be a little cynical towards retreats, but there is something to be said for being reminded, stepping outside of normal routines and daily life, and taking stock of my heart. I need that regularly, I've realized. 

On another note though, I have been thinking about a scenario that played over this past weekend. It has been disturbing me, quite frankly. It was Sunday of the retreat, and God was graciously moving my heart to be full of love, gratitude, and joy towards him. It was a moment of repentance and turning. Of resolve and solitude. Of brokenness and yearning. I’m already an emotional kinda gal, but in moments like the ones I just described, I don’t stand a chance.

The speaker spent a lot of time this weekend on the reality of God speaking and how we need to allow him to speak to us. He spoke of the expectation of God surrounding you with his presence (maybe not all the time, but as you continue to seek him and to put yourself in a position to listen and learn, that he will eventually show up). I long for that a lot. For the very presence and reality of God to feel close. To be overwhelmed by him and to hear him speak to me. In the last moments of the retreat, God was graciously showing up and filling my heart, doing just what I long for.

I wanted to weep, to raise my hands, to get on my knees, to hug the person next to me, to pray out loud. Really, these things felt like an appropriate response. And yet, my response was to worry that the people around me would SEE me cry. Whatever would that think? That I didn't have it all together? So, I stopped thinking about the goodness of God, and the gratitude, love, joy, brokenness and yearning that were causing this emotion to well up in me. In a way, I turned off my mind to what God was doing, necessitating that I harden my heart to a degree, as if to say, “God, I want you to speak to me, but not here in front of all of these people, not now, and not in a way that could embarrass me.” In that moment, I chose to maintain my “dignity” before man.

I know that’s my fault. I showed in that moment a greater care for man’s opinion of me than God’s. That is totally a heart issue and something I have confessed to God, and am asking for his help in.

But, I wonder if you feel it in your churches, too? Like there is no room or space to be overwhelmed by God. To cry out to him or to be broken by him before others. It feels to me sometimes like we’re just “used” to hearing about God. He is common. We are unaffected, unemotional, and unwilling to look stupid. I feel this way at times and I know that I’m part of the problem. Quite honestly, it can make me uncomfortable when others are crying or being expressive in some "un-normal" way, but I don't think that's a good thing necessarily.   

It feels hard and scary for me to be the one who says “who cares” and responds to a move of God with exactly the expression that feels natural and that he gives me, but I know that hard and scary really are never good excuses or valid complaints. He has given me His Spirit precisely for the hard and scary.

Today, I listened to a sermon that Francis Chan gave about falling in love with God and how that is something only His Spirit can produce in us. He noted how when we pray for the Spirit it is often in order to DO some thing, miracle, act, or duty. Don’t get me (or him) wrong because we need to pray for the Spirit to empower us to live out the commandments of Christ. But he noted that we also need the Spirit to empower our inner beings to understand the love and deep truths of God that really transform us. So, today, I’ve been praying this for myself and for a few others:

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:14-19

I think if I can grasp the love of Christ, to know this love that surpasses knowledge, to be strengthened in my inner being so that Christ dwells in my heart- rooted and established in love, I will care far less about what others think, and spend my time being far more concerned with his love.

So, Spirit, produce this in your church so that we all may worship freely together and the church would be a place of undignified adoration and gratitude towards you who are so worthy. Amen.

The world beyond my own: Japan

The images from Japan are mind-blowing and sobering. “Duh” and “To say the least” and “you’re a week and half late on this one” are probably appropriate responses to the former statement. I don’t know how else to describe the pictures I see, though. I can’t fathom it. I’m sad and confused and horrified and heart broken (though I need to pray God really breaks my heart in a way that continues to move me to action and to not forget the suffering of these people).

Around the New Year, Matt and I signed up for a series of emails that give you a prayer guide each day for a different country around the world. For example, one day it would give you the profile of, let’s say, Chile- facts, history, prayer requests, etc. It was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever tried to undertake, and sadly, I kind of gave up after awhile. I still get the emails and if I’m honest, most days I delete them.

I found it (and find it) so hard to pray for the world- places I’ve never been, people I’ve never met, things I don’t really understand. Some of the images and facts I would read on the Operation World Prayer emails were beyond the levels of brokenness, poverty, corruption, injustice, and hurt that I can comprehend. I haven’t traveled much (like, at all) and if there is one reason that I really want to go places and see the world, it is because I long to have my heart be able to connect to these people and places that are outside of my realm of knowledge or experience, but where I am certain God is working. I know he works differently “there” (nowhere specifically, but just outside of the U.S. and our wealth and medicine and bank accounts) than he does here, and I want to see it and be a part of it. I want to experience a different culture and worldview because I know that the image of God is in those people, as well. Until we get the chance to go see the world (I’m setting a goal to go SOMEWHERE in the next two years), I know that I need to develop a heart that believes God has given us prayer as a “wartime walkie-talkie” and that I can be engaged in the world from my living room, car, pillow, or shower.

There is a sweet girl in my freshman Bible study who LOVES Japan- like a God-given, pure, wants to move there and serve those people forever kind of love. She single-handedly put on a bake sale last week on campus to raise money to send to the Red Cross. She raised $150. I respect her so much.

Like I was saying, it’s been hard to pray for the world, and yet all I feel like there is to do for Japan right now is pray. I feel helpless beyond that, and sending some money. But more than money (though that’s totally necessary) these suffering Japanese souls and bodies need hope and peace, comfort and the very presence of God. I honestly don’t understand how this all works or why this happened. But in the ways God has personally revealed to me that He is real and good, I will trust him and believe that in this He is compassionate, loving, and merciful.

Some photos I took from Ocean Beach.

Another sobering thought that has come out of this tragedy is that I don’t know what makes me think that we could never be Japan. Somehow I think that I could never know that level of trauma, crisis, and suffering. It’s as though as a white, middle class American I have been made exempt from these things. It terrifies me when I think about the fact that I’m not exempt. Instead of it just being a warning, there really could have been a tsunami in San Francisco. And earthquakes aren’t unheard of in this City by the Bay, let’s just say that. We’re not so different than Japan, and that’s scary. We live just a few blocks from Ocean Beach and I have been down there a few times this week just to watch the waves. It’s surreal to 

think that this is the same ocean that just killed 5,000 plus people.

Despite my fear in those things, I think it’s really good for me to realize I’m not an exception to the world and that I really could be severely affected by natural disaster or some other kind of event we view as a tragedy in the world. It reminds me I’m not in control, God is powerful and sovereign, and forces me to question once again if I agree with Paul that “to live is Christ, and to die is [actually] gain.” There is a layer of peace on top of my terror that says that God really is good and trustworthy.

Anyways, I just don’t want to forget about these people or the world that is alive with suffering, injustice, and yet still God's love, outside of my own.

M.V.'s to encourage

I’ve had to shorten my memory verses lately. Now that the busyness of life is back in full swing (note blog neglect), I don’t have quite as much time to memorize long Scriptures. But, I thought I’d share a few recent ones, in the hope of encouraging you and sharing how God has been using them in my life.

“But God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation, through Jesus Christ our Lord who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him.” 1 Thessalonians 5:9-10

[This is the good news! God hasn’t destined me for his wrath, but through Jesus taking His wrath for us, I’ve been destined for salvation. In a world where questions of purpose and destiny and uncertainty are consuming, this is good news to my soul.]

“Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet he shall live; and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.” John 11:25-26

[This almost makes me want to cry. My Grandpop has been in the hospital off and on for the past three weeks. It’s been a roller coaster especially for my dad and his siblings, and my exhausted Grandmom. He is still in the hospital as I write this, and there is a lot of uncertainty in terms of what will happen. My heart aches just thinking of his weak body lying in a hospital bed for so many days, and it aches for my family there with him, as well. I’ve shed my tears about it, and am certain I’ll shed many more. I’m thankful that God showed me this Scripture that gives me so much hope, so much joy, and so much peace- and that I was able to share it with my Grandpop in a letter. The reality is that our bodies give in and give out and if it’s not today, it’s another day…for ALL of us. The profound hope and promise that Jesus is offering here is that “though we die”…our bodies fail, accidents happen, life is a vapor, we are simply sojourning…we can really LIVE in him. As one prone to fear, my fear is relieved in light of Jesus’ words, and I am caused to worship.]

“But these are the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-25

[My, how I need the Spirit of God to produce these things in me! I actually had a moment yesterday where I told myself, “No matter what anyone does or says to me today, I’m just going to choose to be kind and patient and loving and gentle.” Not two minutes later I was being NONE of those things in response to a simple question from Matt of, “Do you think you’ll be ready to go on time?” I am so painfully aware of my need to walk in the Spirit and to ask God to help me be a woman that is honoring to him. ]

I really hope that in memorizing Scripture or doing anything in my spiritual life, I don’t mistake knowing about God for knowing God. I think knowing about him could be cool and is good for "giving a talk" or "sounding spiritual", but knowing God is life and death and everything good and true in between. 

My Dads.

My dad and I have always had a special relationship. I love him and have this big soft spot in my heart for him, and that’s really all there is to it. I think the man is hysterical. He’s one of my favorite people to reminisce with and hash out old memories. We spent lots of time together growing up because of all the basketball stuff we did together. We saw Bring it On together in the theatre, would sing with hairbrush microphones in the car, and I for some reason thought it was okay to chase him around with water and throw it on him…a lot. He loved it though. He is a hard worker. He thinks I’m funny (I love that). He’ll often just call and leave me a message in the morning to tell me how proud of me he is and that he loves me. I feel very safe with my dad and overall just really trust him. I remember being little and being scared to be driving home in a snowstorm or something- but if my dad was driving, my fear was gone. I just knew that he’d do everything he could to keep us safe.  He’s not perfect, far from it (though he’s always told me he’s like Mary Poppins- “practically perfect in every way”), and yet I appreciate that I have seen my dad grow and change and become a better human being over the years. It’s kind of ridiculous actually how often Matt calls me “Phil” because I say or do something that makes me look or sound like a mini-version of my dad. I’m okay with that. 

I don’t write this because it’s his birthday or father’s day but because I feel really thankful in a world with lots of not so great dads to have one like him. I don’t take that lightly because quite honestly I know that having a dad like him is kind of hard to come by. I know that not everyone has experienced having a father at all, many had not great fathers, and many have had great dads and have lost them already. Though I’m not a man and will never be a father I know that it is a great responsibility and so I’m grateful.

We got to spend the evening with my parents a couple nights ago, which is a nice benefit of living in the Bay Area again. We were reminiscing about when my dad first moved out to California in 1998. He came 9 months before my sisters and my mom and I because we had to finish school, sell our house, and wrap up what was our whole life in Maryland. He mentioned how I would write him letters and how he saved all of them and still has them. We remembered how we’d send him videos of each of my sister and I’s basketball games and he shared how he would watch each of them…multiple times. I remember the morning he left. He cried and I WEPT. I missed my dad so much during those 9 months. I started watching John Wayne movies religiously so that we could talk about them when he’d come home to visit. My dad loved John Wayne, and in his absence I just started to love the things he loved because I missed him and wanted to make him happy and connect with him when he came for a visit. 

I’m sure you can guess where this is going and I would hate to sound cliché or to make little of the old earthly father to heavenly father analogy. In my heart and mind, these moments of realization and reminders from the Lord aren’t cliché moments, but moments of God’s goodness and grace breaking through.

God is a good Father. He is a perfect father, and better than my earthly father. Jesus said, “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11) But really, if my dad is great and he is a sinner like we all are, how much greater is the love, protection, enjoyment, and adoration of a perfect Father. Jesus also says, "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” (Luke 12:32) It is our Father’s pleasure to give us the thing that is our greatest joy and life's purpose. His perfect love casts out all fear. He calls me his beloved daughter. He wants what’s best for me, would do anything for me and already has by sending his Son to die for me. God is fully concerned with my life. He has left me the longest and hardest to understand morning voicemail through his word and is trusting me do the work of the family business- building the kingdom. And hopefully, someday, he’ll say to my face, “Well done…I’m proud of you.”

Jesus says things like, “Be perfect, as your father is perfect”, “Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful”, “Forgive as your Father has forgiven you”. I’m supposed to be like God just like I’m like Phil. And what’s really cool, is that just like I’ve seen a lot of my dad in me as I’ve gotten older, by the grace of God, I see my heavenly Father making me more like him over time, as well. And just like I started to “love” John Wayne in my dad’s absence, I have been growing in my love of things the Father loves. I’m asking him to help me to more and more love the nations, the poor and weak, His word, the church, the lost, and his creation.

In short, I think the knowledge that God would watch my fifth grade basketball games multiple times, save my letters to him (or collect my teardrops/know the number of hairs on my head…that’s awesome, too), and that His imprint is more and more on my life is pretty incredible. I’m thankful to have a great dad in the physical absence of the ultimate Dad, and thankful that ultimately there is a perfect Dad that I can fully and eternally trust, enjoy, and love.

I hope this is a timely reminder and encouragement to you today of how good God is and how much He loves you, and that in response you’d love him and the things he loves. 

Simple things

I was reading Real Simple the other day (a women’s magazine, for those non-women blog readers out there…are there any of you besides my father-in-law and Peter Anderson? ;)) and the question of the month was: What simple things make you happy?

Why, thank you for asking, Real Simple, I think I’ll share…

A Warm Drink…right now that’s mostly tea and hot chocolate

Singing in the Car by myself

Singing at home by myself

Whipped cream

Having cold cheeks and a cold nose from a brisk winter walk

Ordering a book off Amazon.com

Trying a new restaurant

Taking a good picture

My slippers

A good deal

Shooting a basketball which rarely happens, sadly

Making deposits at the bank

Cooking Dinner

My new cake stand

Taking a bath

Putting mail in a mailbox

Getting a new Netflix movie

Walking

Finishing a book

Cheese

Asking questions and people who ask good questions

Perusing bookstores

San Francisco…not actually that simple, but it’s beautiful and makes me 

        happy (most of the time)

Crockpots

A hug from Matt

Getting a Christmas card or any other personal note in the mail

Writing out checks…weird, I know

Holding babies

Target

Farmer’s markets

Samples and taste tests

Getting in bed at night and tingly, tired legs finally relaxing

Tea cookies from the Irish Bakery on Geary

Stamps

A cozy fire

Board Games

Scented candles

That’s a lot, I know. Sorry. I wish I could capture all of these things in a picture and frame them (I probably could actually). 

I actually just got back from one of those brisk, winter walks and my cheeks and nose are cold and I’m still numbing. It has been uncharacteristically cold here lately. I was trying to pray as I was walking and I was having a hard time focusing my mind and after awhile I decided just to stop trying and just to enjoy the moment God had given me. I think sometimes it’s good and healthy for me just to enjoy God and not try to impress him. Just to be quiet and not try to say the right thing. It’s good for me to sometimes just walk and know that God loves me and that I don’t have to say anything to convince him to. 

That’s simple. But it makes me happy. So that’s my final answer Real Simple. 

Toy Story 3 and our Community Problem

We watched Toy Story 3 last night. I recommend most movies that make me cry because I’m a “feeler” and anything that can evoke emotion and get me the kind of outlet and release that a good cry does is worth it in my book. But, I would definitely recommend Toy Story 3 to anyone. It is such a sweet movie.

I liked it so much because, despite it being about toys that are alive (so realism isn’t necessarily it’s highest merit, which is normally something I look for in a movie) it touches on the real pain and challenge of transition, growing up, and growing apart. And at its core is the importance and life-changing-ness of relationships. Andy, the owner of the whole toy gang, is going to college and the toys are heart-broken that they are unwanted and un-played with, and that ultimately they will be left behind. I won’t give you all the details of the movie. But what made me cry was how much these toys loved their owner and loved each other. As Andy pulls away and leaves them for good, he is leaving his childhood and these toys are saying good-bye to someone who has defined them and been their best friend and greatest joy. It’s a hard thing, and yet, it feels right because transition and growing up are normal. The toys move on to a new task and a new owner, and I have no doubt they will be just as loyal to her, and remain loyal to each other. Sniffle, sniffle.

Growing up is really sad in a lot of ways, and I just think that’s all there is to it. It’s hard to know that you can’t go back and that time just keeps moving forward. I honestly can’t imagine being a parent and watching your child grow up and knowing they’ll never return to the baby that once cooed and napped in your arms. Such is life, I know, but I think without the perspective that we really are just sojourning and that life is short and heaven is long, it could really get you down.

I’ll just say that Woody may be one of the most inspiring movie characters, well…ever. He is fiercely loyal, intelligent, brave, heroic, and tenderhearted. He cares more about other people than himself. He has a sense of what is right and leads others with him to actually do it. He is strong and yet caring, and honestly if Woody were real I think he would be a great pastor or best friend. You should really see this movie. The whole community of toys is actually beautiful. They have a singleness of mind and purpose, are really concerned with each other’s best, they support each other in hard things (like when Barbie gets tossed to the curb…poor Barbie), they have fun together, they really know each other and while there are moments of frustration and tension, I really think they’d take a bullet for one another. At the end there is this scene where they think they’re about the die and they look at each other, hold hands, and wait- in it until the end, together.

Here at the end of the semester, I have been having some important conversations with our students and staff team about what the family of God, what Christian community, should look like. I think we’re missing it in a lot of ways. I can find myself getting so frustrated sometimes when I see our students not asking each other questions, not caring to take the time to get to know each other’s stories, not needing each other in the way that I think we were intended to in this crazy, hard, and tempting world. It can drive me crazy, honestly, that they don’t love each other like they should.

 And yet, when I look at my own life, I know I’m part of the problem in my own world. Authentic community is hard because it takes a lot of time and energy, and it takes going to spend time with people when all you’d really like to do is stay home and watch Toy Story 3. It’s hard because I spend all day with myself and I’m well-acquainted with my problems and my own story, and I think it’s worthy of other people’s care and concern, and yet it’s harder to look outside of my own experience. And, it’s scary to let people know you- to really know you- because what if they don’t like you? Or they challenge you to stop doing the things you know you shouldn’t be doing? It’s hard to know how exactly you go about building and sustaining a healthy community of people with so much sin and brokenness in the world, and in this time in history when life is busy and distracted and so very disconnected.  But, I think I need to try harder to figure it out.

Often, I’m great at diagnosing problems, and doing very little to actually change them. But, I think God really cares about this issue. He talks all the time in his Word about how we treat “one another”, and the things that he talks about most are what I think we should pay attention to most. For whatever reason, in his goodness and sovereignty, God has chosen to use us, his people, to be instruments in each other’s lives. We are to show each other his love, grace, goodness, care, provision, forgiveness, gentleness, and to bear witness to the pain and tough things in life, and then appeal to our just and good God together for justice and restoration. We really are his hands and feet and heart and mouth for each other. I read things in the Bible about breaking bread together, striving to maintain unity, providing for any who is in need, praying for each other, encouraging and admonishing one another, looking not to my best interest but to yours. Our staff team watched a Tim Keller sermon on this topic recently and he submits that if we live in healthy community together- 1. We will be changed and healed 2. We will see God, and 3. Others, on the outside will see God. This is something I want to be a part of.

We are in process, I think, and it's definitely not ALL bad. Matt and I have a community group we go to on Wednesday nights with our church and we really like it. In many ways it has the potential to be a great picture of what we’ve been talking about, if we put the time and work in, and take the risk. We’ve also been fortunate enough to have some great friends living in San Francisco and right around the Bay, some even a few doors down, and so I get glimpses of how we might take advantage of that to really start to build something.

Here are some other practical things I think of that might help: Having more meals together, even if they’re not fancy or well thought out or just leftovers; texting, emailing, and calling more often to check in, encourage, and pray for each other; praying about who is in need and what I could do about it; asking good questions, going to coffee/ lunch and allowing the time needed to be able to bear witness to someone else’s life; doing normal stuff together besides coffee and lunch- like grocery shopping, exercising, etc; being committed to group times; being honest about my own sin and weaknesses; serving the city together, and the list could probably go on. Do you have any other thoughts about how we all make this happen? Do you feel like you are experiencing community in the way it's supposed to be experienced?

So that’s my review of Toy Story 3, coupled with a rant on how we need and often fail at doing community well. While the analogy with my toy friends is faulty and breaks down eventually, I think the toys are a great example of a community I’d like to be a part of. And I would personally like to work hard to make my community of people one that others can see Good and can see God in. 

Running Errands.

My facebook status yesterday said, “Running errands in the city is a whole new beast.” I mean that. Yesterday I had to go to: Cost Co, Walgreens, Ross, Safeway, Chase, the Post Office. That’s a hefty load for a Thursday afternoon.

I have always been an errand-running kind of person. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and productivity. And appreciate the time alone. However, running errands in the city is very different than checking off my to-do list in SLO or Pleasanton. Here are a few things I have noted:

    1.    Parking lots are my friend. Parking is the worst here. I have gotten a ticket or two (or three or four) since moving to the city because parking lots are a diamond in the rough. I love parking lots now.

    2.   It will inevitably take twice the time it should. This is due to traffic, parking, stop signs, and stop lights mostly.

3.   You need change. This is because you there are few parking lots, lots of meters, and meters take change. Lots of it.

4.   You need gas. Because even though the whole city is 7 by 7 miles, it could take thirty minutes to get 4 of them. Don’t want to be running out of gas on the way.

5.    You’re going to see a few crazies. Well, you’re going to see A LOT of crazies, and interact with a few. Yesterday, I stopped into an Irish Bakery and was told by a fellow bakery customer that my voice sounds just like her cousin Stacy’s…and Reese Witherspoon’s. She then went on the comment that she was from Alabama, and so…wait…SHE WAS REESE WITHERSPOON! This was a world-changing revelation for her. She was thrilled. I just said that was great.

6.   The crazies will break your heart. I remember when I was in Detroit a few summers ago, that it was hard and uncomfortable to live in a place where you can’t run errands or go to McDonald’s or Starbucks without having to face the realities of poverty, homelessness, and mental illness. It can feel overwhelming running errands amidst these realities. I can only imagine how they feel.

7.    I will get lost. Now this is only if I’m venturing to another side of the city, but if that’s the case, this is almost a certainty.

8.   You only got one shot. Don’t forget anything. Because it’s not super convenient to do all your errands, get home, find a parking spot, walk to the house, get your gate open, carry your loot upstairs, unload, realize you forgot something/made a mistake, walk BACK to your car, lose your parking spot, and do it all over again. Not that I know anything about any of that…

9.   You need the Holy Spirit. Okay, I need the Holy Spirit. Due to all of the former things and the serious frustration they naturally create in me.

Over the summer, we were at a dinner with a group of new friends here in San Francisco talking to them about our ministry. I cried during that evening because we felt very loved, supported, and encouraged by these people. They prayed for us and I remember one specific prayer that has been burned into my mind and God brings back at certain applicable moments. He said, “God, I pray not that Matt and Leah would love the city, but that they would love you. Because there will be days when they hate this city, and curse it. But I pray that they’d love you enough to stay.”

Overall, I really enjoy our new life in San Francisco. But there are certainly little inconveniences that I never really anticipated when picturing the glories of city living. During one of my coaching times with Christine, I mentioned how I felt that since moving to SF, I have become so impatient (i.e. parking). She commented, “San Francisco and parking haven’t made you impatient. God is using parking in San Francisco to show you that you’ve always been impatient...so you can actually deal with it.” I am seeing God use this place to show me ways that I’m impatient and controlling, and a whole mess of other things. I realize that if I don’t just “let it go”, I won’t enjoy life, because this is what life comes with right now. And when it comes down to it, my impatience, resentment, and controlling tendencies aren’t glorifying to God or pleasant to anyone else. On the days when I don’t love the city, I’m still glad that God brought us here. He always finds ways to encourage me and show me that it’s worth it.

And, yes, I’m blogging on a Friday night. 

Reward.

I feel like things like this don’t usually happen to me, so I thought I’d share.

About two weeks ago, Matt and I were coming home late from our weekly meeting on campus. It was about 10:30, a little chilly, foggy, Monday night. We were walking down Clement Street, hardly able to wait until we get inside- Mondays are LONG days. On our way, on the sidewalk, lay a wallet.  Big, black, leather…but alone, and without its owner. Not good. At first I admit that every 20/20 and Law and Order Episode I’ve ever watched was running through my head because it was dark, and quiet, and I hoped this wasn’t planted there for us to pick up by some murderer.  Thankfully, my imagination was wrong. I have a bit of a flare for the dramatics.

So, we bring the wallet inside, and start looking through it, though of course you feel completely weird and awful and looking through a complete stranger’s wallet, even it it is for the greater good and you are, at the moment, the protector of the wallet. Being the detectives that we are, we use her driver’s license to find her in the yellow pages and look up her phone number. I leave a message, declaring the discovery and safety of said wallet. I next call her place of work (again, detectives) and find nothing, and no one helpful. We resolve to wait to hear back from her.

A day goes by and we hear nothing. A little weird, but maybe she was walking to her car, dropped her wallet, and left for vacation? We wait one more day, then start feeling weird about having  the wallet (you stop feeling like the protector after 2 days, and kinda just feel like a thief). So we decided to drive to her house, which turns out to be a business. Next best thing- police station. We must get it off our hands. The lady cop I turned the wallet into was very nice and said she would find Tangerine. This is the owner’s name. We washed our hands of the situation and prayed the best for the reunion of Tangerine and her wallet.

Fast forward two days. The doorbell rings after dinner, when we weren't expecting guests, and who is it but…Tangerine. That little lady got her wallet back, thanks to the fine police department of San Francisco, and now she was on our doorstep. This is a really long story to tell you that Tangerine bought us a $100.00 gift card to Macy’s for taking care of her wallet, and offered us “drinks” with her- and that we can pick the hippest, swankiest place in SF. How nice, huh? She was so happy to have her wallet back. (It reminded me of the "lost and found" parables that Jesus tells and how he explains that God REJOICES over people being "found" like someone who has lost a coin, or a sheep, or a son and find them. I love that God gives us little glimpses into eternal things through earthly things.) Anyway, I just feel like it’s so fun to be able to say that we’ve been given a reward for finding something and returning it safely. Thank you, Tangerine. 

But, to make some sort of meaning to this really long story, I was just thinking how it’s so good of God to bless us when we obey him, even though He is the only standard and the only Right, and He really doesn’t have to.We really didn’t deserve a gift card. The only right thing to do was to return the wallet. And, not that God magically gives us gifts cards every time we obey Him, definitely not. But He does bless obedience in the ways God blesses us- with the peace and comfort of Himself, and the joy that comes from living in line with our Maker. Read Deuteronomy 30, where He talks all about us having a choice to be blessed by choosing obedience. 

And the ugly side is that somewhere deep inside of me, or actually not that deep, when we found the wallet, I was really hoping we’d get some kind of reward. I hate that about myself. I want something for myself out of everything. It’s like I can’t get away from this self-serving, “me want reward” mentality. I don’t want to want God’s things more than I want God, but I fear that I do at times. I want peace, patience, comfort, love, blessing, you name it- I want them more than I want God Himself. This might all sound confusing- I think because it kind of is- but my point is that sometimes I don’t like my heart. But that God is gracious anyway. And that I think it's cool that we have a "lost-and-found-reward" story now. 

Sweet Simon.

What is it about babies that can turn grown men into mush, dogs into security guards, and worshippers of sleep into ‘round the clock feeders, changers, and cuddlers?

We spent a few days in Maryland last week to visit Simon. He is far cuter than I could have imagined. I would hate to sound like I’m just saying that because I have to as one of his only two aunties. I’m not. He is absolutely so sweet and precious. It was four days full of napping with him, kissing his tiny cheeks, lips, and head, changing diapers, changing outfits (for the fun of it), and just holding him as he looked around and took it all in. Simon is four weeks old this Friday, and the world is very new.

I have some thoughts from our time there…

Being a parent is just crazy. I’m not even a parent…so I guess I can’t fully conceive of how crazy it is...but from the outside, I can see that it’s crazy.  You sacrifice so much for your little one and all they know is that they're alive--- but not that they’re alive only because of you! I guess it’s easier to see how grateful we should be for our own parents when you are a parent yourself. You know how many hours of sleep they gave up, how much money they spent, how many diapers they changed.

New life! How amazing! Babies grow inside their moms and live there? As viable humans...living IN someone else?! Everyone starts that way- little dependent, sleepy, sweet, squishy faced, milk-fiends. (Isn't it sad to think that every single person in our prisons was just a little squishy-faced cuddler at one point?) As we grow from babies to children, we trust our parents only more and more and ask them for everything that we need unashamedly. We instinctively know they love us and will provide for us. It’s a big task to be a parent and to show your kids that. There must be something to what God says about coming to him as little children. I always find it amazing how God allows us to understand his character more through different phases of lives- as children, as parents, as husbands and wives, as friends. God doesn’t waste any of these seasons, but only uses them to show us how he relates to us, how he loves us, the way he provides for us, views us, is faithful to us, and would do anything for us. 

I just can’t imagine the kind of love that you experience for your children. I love Simon a lot, and he’s my nephew. I can’t even imagine how absolutely in love with my own child I will be.  

I can see how difficult it would be to not worry your head off about these little humans, and to remember that they aren’t really yours, but just yours to watch over. I understand that idea may even cause offense to some. But I really believe that as parents, spouses, friends, homeowners, pet-havers, job-holders,  and lovers of life, love, and adventure, we are only to steward, care for, and hold loosely the things the Lord has given us. I am reading a book right now called, “A Woman After God’s Own Heart”, and one thing she says at the outset is that she wakes up every morning and offers everything in her life back to God, as the GIVER. All the good things and the gifts and the loved ones in her life- with a knowledge that all things are for Christ, through him, and to him, that God gives and He takes away. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father and thus is for the purposes and glory of the Father. The danger is to put our roots too deep here on earth as though those things and people were worth living for in themselves. We are sojourners, as are our children.

I am excited to be a mom someday. I feel like it would be such an honor to raise up these little people who are little bit of you and a little bit of your spouse, and to teach them to love the Lord and to love people. Really, to raise them into people who can be effective in the Kingdom of God and raise up their own little people someday. I know that time isn’t now for us, but I’m so excited for when it is. I feel like we know so many people who are pregnant right now or have just had babies, so that will be a good fix. But seriously, thank God for babies.