Honesty and Reading.

 

I am reading Blue Like Jazz again. My first read was my freshman year of college and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I picked it up again because I have given it to a few students to read, and figured I could use a little refresher on what the heck I was handing out. Again, I am really enjoying it.

I feel like Donald Miller, the author, would be so fun to talk to. I love the way he writes with a perfect mix of humor and solemnity. He is intellectual and serious without sounding arrogant. It all seems natural, too, which I love because I hate when I can tell authors are trying to be funny or just trying to get me to like them. I feel like I learn a lot from the guy because he has something that I have been realizing I need more of in my life, relationships, and walk with God. Honesty. I feel like for the first time ever I am learning to really be honest with myself and with God. For some reason that has been a struggle for me in the past. I think because I like to pretend I have “it” all together, or maybe it’s the fear that perfect Christian women don’t have questions, doubts, fears, or bad days. I often try to fool myself and, foolishly, God, as well. I have often failed to bring God my most true and ugly self. Authenticity is something I respect, value, and admire when I experience it in others. There is something about coming up against someone with an authentically passionate faith and love for Jesus that is both upsetting and inspiring. Upsetting because I feel like in some ways, the ugliness in my own heart can be exposed, and inspiring because it makes me want to love God and people more honestly and radically.

I will say that since moving to San Francisco I have been challenged and impacted by the diversity of people and expressions of faith. I want to live and believe things about God that are as close to what I see written in the Word as possible, and I want to mean them with everything I am. I feel like I’m growing.

Anyways, I love this book. I’m only about ¾ of the way through this second reading, but I want to share a few quotes that I’ve come upon lately that have been challenging to me, and that, perhaps in sad ways or maybe refreshingly honest ways, I can relate to:

“…the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn’t like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually believe these things then I have to do something about them. It is so, so cumbersome to believe anything.”

“What I believe is not what I say I believe. What I believe is what I do.”

“My life testifies that the first thing I believe is that I am the most important person in the world.”

“Dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something…is the hard thing." [Not sure if I completely agree with the dying being easy part, but I think he’s onto something.]

I am also reading the Chronicles of Naria right now. I’m on The Horse and his boy. I think that C.S. Lewis is brilliant. He dreamed up different worlds and then masterfully brought them to life. 

My book list keeps growing and growing, too. Coming up: Picking Cotton: A Memoir. I’m going to read it as part of a book club, which is real exciting. Also in the near future, I want to read Let Me Be a Woman, by Elisabeth Elliot, and Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis, again. 

There is so much to KNOW in the world. Can you even fathom or believe how many books there are? I want to be a well-read, cultured, and scholarly individual. And yet, there’s always and forever a balance to strike- Is reading worth anything unless it challenges, shapes, and impacts the person I am and the way I’m living? I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure it’s okay just to read “for fun” or pleasure. But, I think overall, I’d hate to be someone who has read a lot, can tell others principles and lessons I’ve learned, share quotes on a blog, and then never actually change or let my heart, mind, soul, and actions be affected. Read on, Readers. And be affected. 

Living with Girls and Changing.

I lived at 1321 Woodside Drive for two years during college, with four other girls. Two glorious years of a curtain for a bathroom door, freezing for fear of creating a heating bill, trying to avoid having to hand-wash everyone’s silverware, stepping in a puddle of water in front of our leaky refrigerator and pretending it didn’t happen, Monday night Bachelor viewings, living room sleepovers, American Idol contests, and much more. I loved living with girls. Especially these girls. I don’t actually know if we made the five most compatible people in the world. It was messy (literally and figuratively). But there was something about living with these girls and sharing four walls for two years, and the same city for five, that made us more like sisters. Each of them was in my wedding because many of my best memories include them, and in many ways, even still, they know me better than most. Yeah, there’s something special about living with girls.

Here are some pictures of us from "over the years"...

But college is over- and it’s starting to feel like it’s been that way for a while now. Now, you see, I live with a boy. (The best boy I could live with- I really believe that.)

 A lot has changed since the Woodside days. I started thinking about this because of a question Kendall asked the other night. All of my roommates live in the Bay Area now, all within an hour and a half. Pretty great. We had somewhat of a reunion the other night, minus Kristin. Nothing crazy- just had dinner and a margarita a piece, watched the Giants game from a storefront, watched You Tube videos, and chatted until  one am until we fell asleep watching “Friends”. This felt very much like “the old days”. While chatting, Kendall asked, “How do you guys think you’ve changed the most since we lived together?” (Kendall asks great questions.)

It has been three years since we packed up our stuff from 1321 Woodside Drive, which is really just a drop in the bucket, but oh, how different life looks! I think mostly my priorities have shifted. Though we’re only two, I have a family now. My priority is to do what’s best for our family. I enjoy cooking, cleaning, and home-making in a way that wasn’t even on my radar as I stood in the kitchen on my first night at Woodside crying because I didn’t know how to brown ground beef. I have always considered myself to be a “people person” and an extrovert, but I enjoy my alone time far more now, I’d say even thrive on it. I think I’m a bit more comfortable in my own skin, though I’m still growing into the knowledge and comfort of “knowing myself”. I now live four hours away from Woodside, I have a college degree, and have a job I didn’t necessarily foresee myself having. I am married, have a nephew, and live in the same city as my sister again. I think I’m more jaded in some ways, and wiser and more faithful in others. I’m way less funny than I used to be (or maybe I was never funny, and I just thought I was?), and way more uncomfortable on a dance floor or being the center of attention. I’m aware at this point that I know far less than I probably thought I did then. I think I’m more open-minded and am more concerned with being nice to people than I once was.  Again, I’m still figuring that out.

It just got me thinking how much we, people, change over the course of a year, two years, three…let alone a lifetime. There are so many people I’ve met, read about, or heard about that I admire. Almost all are older, so I’m hoping that growth continues to come with time. These people are more gentle, humble, meek, disciplined, courageous, kind, and sacrificial than I am. I pray I become more like these saints in my lifetime. I know this doesn’t just “happen” to you. To grow in and nurture these qualities takes time, work, prayer, focus, and, seasoning.

 Matt and I have been talking a lot lately about how unseasoned we are. We have experienced very little of the suffering, pain, and struggle that we know are a part of the human experience on earth. We know that we lack the tenacious and stalwart faith that is born and forged in times of adversity and trial. I don’t know what life will bring, but I do know that we will change a great deal as we enter seasons of trial and ease, joy and sorrow, struggle and rest, mourning and rejoicing. These seasons, as God appoints and ordains them in our lives, will make us the people we are in the end. I echo Paul when he says, “I am confident of this, that he who began a good work…will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Just some thoughts…on living with girls...and changing.

Reward.

I feel like things like this don’t usually happen to me, so I thought I’d share.

About two weeks ago, Matt and I were coming home late from our weekly meeting on campus. It was about 10:30, a little chilly, foggy, Monday night. We were walking down Clement Street, hardly able to wait until we get inside- Mondays are LONG days. On our way, on the sidewalk, lay a wallet.  Big, black, leather…but alone, and without its owner. Not good. At first I admit that every 20/20 and Law and Order Episode I’ve ever watched was running through my head because it was dark, and quiet, and I hoped this wasn’t planted there for us to pick up by some murderer.  Thankfully, my imagination was wrong. I have a bit of a flare for the dramatics.

So, we bring the wallet inside, and start looking through it, though of course you feel completely weird and awful and looking through a complete stranger’s wallet, even it it is for the greater good and you are, at the moment, the protector of the wallet. Being the detectives that we are, we use her driver’s license to find her in the yellow pages and look up her phone number. I leave a message, declaring the discovery and safety of said wallet. I next call her place of work (again, detectives) and find nothing, and no one helpful. We resolve to wait to hear back from her.

A day goes by and we hear nothing. A little weird, but maybe she was walking to her car, dropped her wallet, and left for vacation? We wait one more day, then start feeling weird about having  the wallet (you stop feeling like the protector after 2 days, and kinda just feel like a thief). So we decided to drive to her house, which turns out to be a business. Next best thing- police station. We must get it off our hands. The lady cop I turned the wallet into was very nice and said she would find Tangerine. This is the owner’s name. We washed our hands of the situation and prayed the best for the reunion of Tangerine and her wallet.

Fast forward two days. The doorbell rings after dinner, when we weren't expecting guests, and who is it but…Tangerine. That little lady got her wallet back, thanks to the fine police department of San Francisco, and now she was on our doorstep. This is a really long story to tell you that Tangerine bought us a $100.00 gift card to Macy’s for taking care of her wallet, and offered us “drinks” with her- and that we can pick the hippest, swankiest place in SF. How nice, huh? She was so happy to have her wallet back. (It reminded me of the "lost and found" parables that Jesus tells and how he explains that God REJOICES over people being "found" like someone who has lost a coin, or a sheep, or a son and find them. I love that God gives us little glimpses into eternal things through earthly things.) Anyway, I just feel like it’s so fun to be able to say that we’ve been given a reward for finding something and returning it safely. Thank you, Tangerine. 

But, to make some sort of meaning to this really long story, I was just thinking how it’s so good of God to bless us when we obey him, even though He is the only standard and the only Right, and He really doesn’t have to.We really didn’t deserve a gift card. The only right thing to do was to return the wallet. And, not that God magically gives us gifts cards every time we obey Him, definitely not. But He does bless obedience in the ways God blesses us- with the peace and comfort of Himself, and the joy that comes from living in line with our Maker. Read Deuteronomy 30, where He talks all about us having a choice to be blessed by choosing obedience. 

And the ugly side is that somewhere deep inside of me, or actually not that deep, when we found the wallet, I was really hoping we’d get some kind of reward. I hate that about myself. I want something for myself out of everything. It’s like I can’t get away from this self-serving, “me want reward” mentality. I don’t want to want God’s things more than I want God, but I fear that I do at times. I want peace, patience, comfort, love, blessing, you name it- I want them more than I want God Himself. This might all sound confusing- I think because it kind of is- but my point is that sometimes I don’t like my heart. But that God is gracious anyway. And that I think it's cool that we have a "lost-and-found-reward" story now.