Moving and Dreaming.

Matt had left-overs for dinner last night. I had eggs and rice. We ate on paper plates and we chatted about strategy, calendars, and upcoming dates. We remembered our favorite things about SLO. That’s right. It’s moving week.

We’re busy busy busy here in SLO getting ready for our departure on Friday! I’m a little bit of a crazy person in that I actually kind of enjoy packing. It’s like a puzzle. Matt notices all these quirky things about me in situations like this- like that I believe it’s a RULE that you must back books and DVDs first. And that I start about fifty things at once, making it so that we have about ten half packed boxes, as opposed to one complete box. We’re realizing that we both have our ways of doing things- what’s "natural" to us. It’s a fine line to walk in marriage. Some things are “natural” to us, and so the other one should just accept it. And then there's what is “natural” to us, and yet, it really doesn’t matter. We need to still work hard to change it because it just doesn’t work when you add someone else into the equation.

Moving is a great time to dream. So I’m dreaming this week. About all the ways we'll decorate when we unpack all this stuff in San Francisco. It will be a little different this time around considering we won’t be coming off of our honeymoon, loaded up with Bed Bath and Beyond gift cards. I want to be a great interior decorator but I admit that, to date, I am not. I’m always open to help and any cost effective (read: free or cheap) ideas. I’m also dreaming about all the books I’ll read this summer and next year. All the ways we’ll stay organized and revolutionize our use of closet space, desk efficiency, and under-bed storage. I am dreaming about all the picnics we’ll have in San Fran, all the runs and bike rides I’ll go on, how confident and comfortable I’ll become at riding public transportation, and the indoor herbs and house plants we’ll have (as though all of a sudden I’ll have a green thumb). I’m dreaming that maybe we might find somewhere to live with a fireplace or a dishwasher, and Matt's dreaming about hardwood floors. I'm picturing walking our new dog. (Please, Matt?) We're dreaming of new coffee shops, and quaint stores, and ethnic food, and getting to know all kinds of new people. Dreaming of neighbors to say hi to and maybe even a view of the bridge.

It's funny how I'm dreaming and kind of hoping in a sense that life will look quite different than it does now, and yet I love life now. I guess I'm not so scared of change in every area. 

So, we’re busy this week with lots of work, lots of play, but mostly just LOTS of people, which is awesome. We feel like the Lord has blessed us with so much time to get together with people and enjoy our last week, while also helping us to be efficient and to get work done. So far it’s been a great week. We have eaten more than I care to admit to myself or anyone else.

I don’t have very much to say at this moment, honestly. I feel content and we feel excited and blessed. 

But, here's a quote that I love: 

“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.” -C.S. Lewis

Because I believe Christianity and Jesus are true, this truth makes me want to do the job we’re going to be doing in San Francisco. It makes me want every area of my own life to be more about Him of infinite importance. 

Next stop. El Nido. In the meantime...                                                   

 Making pottery with Kimmy.

Just spent a weekend in SF with these precious girls for Bonnie's Bachelorette Party! We get to witness her and Andrew's wedding this Sunday!

Dinner with these two dear friends.

One fun night to say good-bye to the Wheeler's and celebrate the beginning of summer.

alone, thinking, 16 days and counting.

It’s very quiet in our apartment right now. And, well, to be honest, it’s just me home, and it’s Saturday night at 9:45. I admit that I am feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment.

It’s just starting to hit me that we’re really leaving SLO. I have begun to feel the relative loneliness of being on your way out from one place, but not being fully to the next. 

For anyone who has lived in San Luis Obispo, you know the magic of this place. If you have left, you know the difficulty of leaving, and if you haven’t you probably fear that day, if you’re anything like me.

Specifically today, I am sad about leaving Upper Crust. I have worked there for almost four years. I am 100% comfortable there. I love my family at Upper Crust. I love Tammy. And John. I love that I work with dear and precious friends. I love my regular customers. I even just love waiting tables- it works for me. I love the kitchen staff, and that they have become close over the years. So, today, this week, I am mourning the impending loss of Upper Crust.

Most days, it’s really hard for me to imagine what the next phase will really look like. Our day to day. You see here, we grocery shop at Scholari’s, we take California to 101 to Madonna to work everyday, we know our favorite restaurants, coffee shops, and ice-cream locales, and we know where friends live or drive by and miss the places friends used to live. This place has become home in the past five years. We changed here, grew up here, got married here, and have a billion memories here. 

Where will we grocery shop in San Francisco? There are so many coffee shops and restaurants, how do you pick your favorite? Which will be the fastest routes to…well, anywhere? Where will we sit each week at church? How ever will we find our way around a big city? And how do you meet the friends to fill up the houses that we’ll inevitably long to recognize? I forget how to make friends. Does that just come back- like riding a bike? I imagine it's different now, at this stage of life, and there is a bit of re-learning what I think is actually kind of an art. 

Matt and I are vision people, which I think is a great thing most of the time. But it’s interesting as we prepare for a life change such as this one to balance vision with reality. You need vision and a clear mission to keep you on course. But to achieve the vision or the mission, you need a lot of days of obedience and hard work, a lot of days that might be good, bad, ugly, awesome, and probably somewhere in between. As we have been in the process of raising our financial support, it is encouraging and refreshing to be reminded of our vision and mission day in and day out, through every conversation. However, it’s not enough. Today, we must also know that even when it’s hum-drum, boring, busy, bad, or exciting, our decisions, attitudes, and obedience is what ultimately will get us anywhere. I don’t know what each day will look like for us in San Francisco. I know the vision is great and worthy and compelling, and so I’m thrilled to go. But if I’m honest, there are days when the wondering, not knowing, and the newness of it all can feel a little scary, unsafe, and too new.

Don’t get me wrong. I know we’ll be fine. We’ll be better than fine. I read a book a few summers back called Safer than a Known Way, by Pamela Rosswell Moore. It was life-changing at the time, and still sticks with me today. The premise of the book is that to walk with God and to obey Him, even if it is leading you into the unknown or seemingly undesirable, is SAFER than any KNOWN way. The woman who the book is about, Pamela herself, wants desperately to be married and never wants to move far away from home and she hesitates to follow Jesus because of her desires. She decides to follow Jesus. She doesn’t get married until she’s fifty and she has to move all over the world. In essence, things didn’t go as planned for Pam. But, she was blessed. She was joyful. She was secure and purposeful as she followed Jesus instead of her own way. Her conclusion: She would have wanted it no other way. So, though I know my grocery store, routes, and friends here, and, sure that feels safe; truly the safest I could ever be is to be in the will of God. We’re confident that San Francisco is the next place for us.

Isn’t that an interesting thought, though? In a grand sense, it's true. We assuredly believe that this is the will of God for us- Campus Crusade for Christ in San Francisco. But really, the will of God for me today is to love Him and to love other people. Jesus said this was the greatest commandment: "To love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength and all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:27). I am not promised tomorrow, and well, sorry to tell you, but neither are you. So I guess I better not live waiting for what’s next but to love God and others today and each of the 16 days we have left in SLO, or wherever you are. And then everyday after that. The reality for all of us is that whatever we are trying to make of ourselves, whatever vision or mission or passion that has captured our pursuit, is only achieved by a bunch of days strung together and lived in with integrity, obedience to God’s word, humility, sincerity, and fervor. And so we keep on sojourning…

                                    

 "O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

 Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

 You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

 Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

 If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

 For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret, 

intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; 

in your book were written, every one of them, 

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you."

Psalm 139:1-18

10 Months and Counting

Matt and I have been married for 10 months tomorrow. I honestly can’t believe how fast the time goes…original thought, I know. Everyone says that. But I think I know why everyone says it is because when it’s happening to YOU, it feels like it’s unique, and mind-blowing, and original. Our 10 months of marriage have absolutely flown by.

Matt’s birthday was this past Thursday. We had breakfast together at home and I gave him his gifts. One was P 90 X- Xtreme Home Fitness. I wish I were the kind of person who would put myself through physical misery to get in shape (I really should become one). Matt is that kind of person. He ran a marathon, that’s right 26.2, in May and did a fantastic job. I was so proud. I also got Matt some new shoes or “kicks” as I would prefer them to be called because they are pretty cool. And then I also had a bunch of people from different areas of his life (probably some of you!) contribute to a book of encouragement that displayed all of the gifts and talents that people see in him. It was so encouraging as His wife to see what other people wrote. Sometimes when you’re too close, you forget to see all the great things. I feel very thankful to be married to someone that others love and respect, and that my husband is a genuine “people” person. He’s genuine in everything he does. I learn much from him about integrity and how to really love people.

I won’t over share here on the internet about all of the things God has shown me thus far in our marriage about me about my soul and my affections and my idolatry, all of the things that I love about Matt, and the things we don’t love quite as much about each other. I will say that I have come to see marriage as the safest place to learn and grow and make mistakes. We signed up for this and I know we’re in it for the long haul, and so as we grow and struggle and change and make mistakes- it’s safe.

There is a part of marriage, however, that isn’t quite as safe. It’s being fully known. There is so much more of a connection between this earthly covenant relationship with Matt and the covenant relationship with the Father than I ever thought. In many of the ways that I am deficient in my relationship with Matt, I am forced to face the fact that it probably reflects a deficiency in my relationship with Jesus. In the ways that I fail to give or accept grace, it is most often because I have failed to fully understand or accept the grace I have been given in the Father. When I fear being fully known or exposed for the fear of being unloved at the end of it, it is most often a warning that I need to remind myself of the Father’s unconditional love for me that doesn’t depend on having it all together, being good enough, or pretending that I am. Again, I’ll spare you all the details, but I’m thankful to be part of this beautiful, hard, wonderful, stretching thing.

So, I’ll spare details, but I will share this quote by C.S. Lewis because it’s true and awesome:

“When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.”

That’s it. When I learn to love God the most, and see Him in light of how good, holy, beautiful, powerful, sovereign, faithful, loving, gracious,  and merciful He really is, then the right things fall into place. Then, no one has to tell me to love my husband well, to love my family, the poor, to be generous, or thankful, or to pray or read my Bible. I want to because I know who God is and I love Him. And then, even on the days when I don’t want to, I will to. That’s how I want our marriage to be. Because there will probably be days somewhere down the road here where we may not want to, but we will to until we want to again.

It’s funny, this whole being two but one thing. It’s a single file line to see the Father on the day we die, and I’m very much still “just Leah” to Him. And yet, Matt and I have become one, and are in line together during our time here.

It’s also funny how quickly you can get into a routine and develop your own little ways of doing life. You get used to having someone around and planning your meals, activities, and days around theirs.

Here are a few of the more simple things I have come to appreciate in the past 10 months:

-We don’t have a dishwasher, so we have developed a system. Matt washes, I dry. We give ourselves about 20 minutes after dinner, and then we go for it. I have come to love these times together. We wind up catching up, talking about one thing or many, laughing, maybe not even talking at all sometimes. But, it feels like we’re a team and it’s so nice to have that half an hour.

-Matt always saves our one parking spot for me. There is something so comforting about driving up and seeing his car parked on the street and the empty space waiting for me. It’s not the space itself that I appreciate, it’s that I know he thought about the fact that I'm comin' home. It feels like a hug.

- I always jiggle the door handle when we get home from somewhere. It’s always locked. Matt always reminds me that its not going to be open. But I try anyway.

-I love sitting at our little kitchen table for dinner. There’s always butter, always bread, and usually salad. We know what we like I guess.

So…here’s to 10 months and many more routines, lessons, and door handle jiggles to come.