Birthday weekend haps.

I write to you for the first time as a 24 year old. That’s still so young, huh? I feel older than that, but well, I’m not. 24 it is, and I'm lookin' forward to a new year of life. I had a great birthday weekend and wanted to share just a few pictures from it. 

First, on Friday, Matt threw me a surprise party. I...was...shocked. It was seriously the most surprised I have ever been, maybe ever. We went to dinner for Thai food beforehand with our dear friends Jordan and Eva. Jordan's birthday was earlier in the week so we were both on the birthday train. Dinner was fun enough for me. I love spending time with the Van Horns, but no! That wasn't all. Our plan as far as I knew was to go back to the Van Horn's for cake and ice cream with a few other friends, but little did I know it would be thirty other friends. It was a joint party for Jordan and I that Eva and Matt had put together and it was such a blessing.

 This is my friend Alex. She's great and made me homemade ice cream and fudge. We work together and I'm SO glad. 

 Look who made it out to San Francisco for the occasion! I was so excited to see these old friends. I thought I would be seeing them the next day for our own little celebration but they made it out for the surprise, as well, and it was so fun to have blend my worlds a bit. 

 Waidley's. Love 'em. 

 This is my dear, sweet friend Eva. I love her. She was the hostess with the mostess and party planner extraordinaire. Again, love her. 

 Our awesome sign. 

 There's Dusty. Always the life of the party. 

 This guy really spoiled me all weekend and made one very happy birthday girl. He really kept this a secret, too. Totally respectable secret keeper. 

 Friends.

The second event of the weekend was a de-lish brunch with some friends from college (and from the present, but you know what I mean). We had egg casserole, creme brulee french toast, bacon, fruit, coffee and juice. It was so fun to host them all at our home and to spend some time together all together like we haven't in awhile. 

 We missed you Bethany, Kimmy, and Lyss!

Matt also made a surprise appointment for me to have a Thai massage, which I was a little nervous about at first, but it was AMAZING. He knew just what I would want for a gift. We went to dinner that night at "The Richmond"- a classy restaurant in our neighborhood. It was lovely and classy and I wore a dress, which is usually only confined to weddings. On Sunday, we went to church and to a flea market I've been wanting to go to. My parents and Sunnie and Cory came over later in the day. We went for a walk- one of my favorite things in the world, especially around our house- and then went out to dinner. 

Walkin'. 

All in all, it was an incredibly restful weekend. I'm thankful for good friends- and to have "made new friends and kept the old". I'm thankful for good food. For Matt and a husband who works hard to show me how much he loves me and make me feel special. I'm thankful to live close to my parents. And for people who call, text, facebook, and snail mail me for doing nothing but being born. I'm thankful to live in a beautiful city. I'm thankful to be alive and to be created as "his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (ephesians 2) Here's to 24 and another year of adventures!

The world beyond my own: Japan

The images from Japan are mind-blowing and sobering. “Duh” and “To say the least” and “you’re a week and half late on this one” are probably appropriate responses to the former statement. I don’t know how else to describe the pictures I see, though. I can’t fathom it. I’m sad and confused and horrified and heart broken (though I need to pray God really breaks my heart in a way that continues to move me to action and to not forget the suffering of these people).

Around the New Year, Matt and I signed up for a series of emails that give you a prayer guide each day for a different country around the world. For example, one day it would give you the profile of, let’s say, Chile- facts, history, prayer requests, etc. It was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever tried to undertake, and sadly, I kind of gave up after awhile. I still get the emails and if I’m honest, most days I delete them.

I found it (and find it) so hard to pray for the world- places I’ve never been, people I’ve never met, things I don’t really understand. Some of the images and facts I would read on the Operation World Prayer emails were beyond the levels of brokenness, poverty, corruption, injustice, and hurt that I can comprehend. I haven’t traveled much (like, at all) and if there is one reason that I really want to go places and see the world, it is because I long to have my heart be able to connect to these people and places that are outside of my realm of knowledge or experience, but where I am certain God is working. I know he works differently “there” (nowhere specifically, but just outside of the U.S. and our wealth and medicine and bank accounts) than he does here, and I want to see it and be a part of it. I want to experience a different culture and worldview because I know that the image of God is in those people, as well. Until we get the chance to go see the world (I’m setting a goal to go SOMEWHERE in the next two years), I know that I need to develop a heart that believes God has given us prayer as a “wartime walkie-talkie” and that I can be engaged in the world from my living room, car, pillow, or shower.

There is a sweet girl in my freshman Bible study who LOVES Japan- like a God-given, pure, wants to move there and serve those people forever kind of love. She single-handedly put on a bake sale last week on campus to raise money to send to the Red Cross. She raised $150. I respect her so much.

Like I was saying, it’s been hard to pray for the world, and yet all I feel like there is to do for Japan right now is pray. I feel helpless beyond that, and sending some money. But more than money (though that’s totally necessary) these suffering Japanese souls and bodies need hope and peace, comfort and the very presence of God. I honestly don’t understand how this all works or why this happened. But in the ways God has personally revealed to me that He is real and good, I will trust him and believe that in this He is compassionate, loving, and merciful.

Some photos I took from Ocean Beach.

Another sobering thought that has come out of this tragedy is that I don’t know what makes me think that we could never be Japan. Somehow I think that I could never know that level of trauma, crisis, and suffering. It’s as though as a white, middle class American I have been made exempt from these things. It terrifies me when I think about the fact that I’m not exempt. Instead of it just being a warning, there really could have been a tsunami in San Francisco. And earthquakes aren’t unheard of in this City by the Bay, let’s just say that. We’re not so different than Japan, and that’s scary. We live just a few blocks from Ocean Beach and I have been down there a few times this week just to watch the waves. It’s surreal to 

think that this is the same ocean that just killed 5,000 plus people.

Despite my fear in those things, I think it’s really good for me to realize I’m not an exception to the world and that I really could be severely affected by natural disaster or some other kind of event we view as a tragedy in the world. It reminds me I’m not in control, God is powerful and sovereign, and forces me to question once again if I agree with Paul that “to live is Christ, and to die is [actually] gain.” There is a layer of peace on top of my terror that says that God really is good and trustworthy.

Anyways, I just don’t want to forget about these people or the world that is alive with suffering, injustice, and yet still God's love, outside of my own.

A little part of how I'm doing and what I'm learning

Well, hello blog world.

This feels like one of the nicest moments I’ve had in awhile. It’s pouring outside. I have a chai latte with soymilk that I was able to make from the pleasure of my own home. My husband is asleep on the couch “listening” to a basketball game (basketball games are a large part of my life recently and I don’t anticipate that changing until March Madness ends. I give it to him this time of year though. It makes him real happy.) I have a candle lit and I just got out of the shower. Sure, we have to leave for Bible Study in 40 minutes, but the feat of not only getting a moment to be on the couch, but to actually be productive and feel mental energy is something I don’t quite feel like I’ve experienced enough recently.

To be honest, I’ve been feeling utterly exhausted. It’s been really hard to wake up in the morning (not just because of daylight savings, but seriously that has only compounded my struggles). And then, when I do have a spare moment at home during the day or at night I feel like all I want to do is sleep or “veg” out, leaving little time or energy for things that actually, truly give me life and create new energy. I don’t think I’m unique, necessarily, and I certainly don’t want to be a martyr and pretend that my life is harder than anyone else’s. It’s NOT. Everyone is busy. Everyone wants more time. Everyone is tired. Such is life on this side of eternity and living life in a Kingdom that is both here but not quite yet. I am no exception and yet I’m feeling some of these pains right now.

If you had asked me how I was doing a month ago, I would have told you that I was in a really great place with the Lord. I felt like for the first time, maybe ever, I was learning how to walk in God’s Spirit, how to really pray, and I was yearning for God to move and work in my life and in the lives of those around me. My times with the Lord were rich and encouraging and I really couldn’t get enough of God’s Word. And, in fact, I feel like I really did see the Lord move in very specific and identifiable ways all around me, and it was beautiful and encouraging and faith affirming.

I don’t feel those things as strongly right now. That doesn’t change a thing about God, His Spirit, or His Word. It certainly doesn’t mean that God has stopped working in those around me or in me, and that those things are any less beautiful or true. It does mean that I move. I change. I’m not consistent. I can so quickly revert to a mode, not even consciously, where I try to live and minister and love out of my own “Leah-ness”- my personality, my knowledge, my love, my sufficiency, my energy. It’s pride, to just call it what it is, and it’s really ugly. I start to think that I was the one making things go well in the first place and so I could probably just keep trying, striving, working. I get excited so I add more to my plate. I over commit, start taking responsibility for other people, putting pressure on myself to see people lives change and to see Kingdom come. I don’t acknowledge it for a while because I have enough in the tank for that while, but then BAM! Burnout.

It’s easy for me to think this is a unique phenomenon to this season or stage of my life…this burnout cycle, exhaustion, longing for more time and energy. After doing some processing with Matt, he helped me to realize that this cycle and these feelings are not unique to ministry in San Francisco or life as a vocational missionary, but in fact are pretty consistent in my personality and in other seasons of my life across the board. Darn. I would have loved to blame it on “urban fatigue” or “culture shock” (don’t get me wrong…it could be minor elements of these things, as well.)

What I’m learning is that…

- I need God to keep doing fresh things in my life. To feel like I’m walking closely with God and growing in Him a month ago is not enough to sustain me today. I need Him today- to do something new and fresh and FOR today in my heart. Daily bread, if you will. Walking in the Spirit. A moment-by-moment dependency that can’t be stretched over a month, but that is truly needed…moment-by-moment.

- My identity is pretty messed up sometimes. This is probably the root of this issue and cycle for me. At my core, I believe that I am most valuable when my schedule is full, I don’t have to say no to anything, I’m working closer to 50 hours a week than 40, I don’t nap, watch T.V. or waste time, and when I can quantify and show you results from my work. This is the world’s “wisdom” and it is living and breathing in me and waging war against the identity that I really believe God would have me take on.  It terrifies me to “lessen my load” or to really rest myself. Despite the fact that my career choice at this point is vocational ministry I often even scoff at the idea that I need to personally be developed, to spend time being poured into by God, and that this will actually make me a better minister of the gospel. The wisdom of God, the cross even, is foolishness to the world.

I write to you from the middle of the exhaustion, burn out, and energy-less-ness and so I actually can’t wrap this post up with a tight and neat solution, lesson learned, or moral of the story. I don’t know if I really have one yet, or if I’ve really been able to diagnose and be honest with the most true and core issues this all points to. I guess I just wanted to share with you (whoever you are…) how I’m feeling, where I’ve been, and what God is doing in my life. He is doing good and necessary things, I believe. He is pointing out deficiencies in my character and my personality. I’m hoping he will make me a more healthy, balanced person, with an identity more firmly rooted in Jesus and not in myself.

A man that I really respect was telling me the other day that his wife (both are also on staff with Campus Crusade), will often say, “I need the ministry.” He explained that what she means by this is that as much as it’s her job to DO the ministry and facilitate the Spirit of God working in other’s lives, she needs the Spirit to minister to her own life more.

I'm not sure if any of this even made sense, but...I certainly need the ministry.