Good Friday Prayer

“Savior of the world, what have you done to deserve this? And what have we done to deserve you? Strung up between criminals, cursed and spat upon, you wait for death, and look for us, for us whose sin has crucified you.

To the mystery of undeserved suffering, you bring deeper mystery of unmerited love. Forgive us for not knowing what we have done; open our eyes to see what you are doing now, as through wood and nails, you disempower our depravity and transform us by your grace.” -(Prayer from City Church Good Friday service)

Thank God that..."We are an Easter people in a Good Friday world." (-Fred Harrell) 

Easter comes tomorrow! And He is risen!

Maundy Thursday and Dancer.

We attended a Maundy Thursday service last night at church. In case you don't know (because I didn't) Maundy means “mandate”, and this is the observance and memorial of Jesus’ institution of the meal we still share together as the Body of Christ, and his commandment- his mandate- given after washing his disciple’s feet, which says: “I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.” (John 13:15) 

Just as I have done to you, so you must do. He then goes on to say how no servant is greater than his master. Jesus is clear in saying that he has set an example not just that his disciples would see it and move along, but they, we, would follow and imitate his example. That we would do just as he did.

One of the things that struck me most last night was the fact that Jesus washed Judas’ feet, as well. He didn’t skip the betrayer. He didn’t even qualify his mandate to the "good" disciples to say, “Do what I have done…except Judas will leave and betray me so don’t worry about that guy.” Let's not forget the "good" disciples turn out not so good only a few hours later. Peter would deny him and they would all scatter out of fear and disbelief, as he was nailed to a cross for even their sins. This is truly a difficult command, one that brings us to the end of ourselves and that challenges our sense of entitlement and opinions of who is deserving.

I feel thankful that just a few weeks ago, the Lord brought this reality home for me. City Team is one of the ministries that our church serves. The organization wears lots of hats, but generally, they serve the poor and marginalized of San Francisco through substance abuse recovery, serving meals, and providing clothing and any other resources they can. 

On Saturdays, one of their ministries is foot washing. Folks can come in off the streets and have their feet washed, soaked, massaged, lotioned, powdered, and finished off with a new pair of socks. Throughout that process, the foot-washers gets the privilege of hearing life stories, praying for their “clients”, and making a pretty intimate relational connection. The intent of the foot-washing ministry is to meet a tangible need of many people whose feet are hurting, sore, and dirty from always walking and being outside; but I think more obviously and significantly, the heart of the ministry is to follow Jesus’ example.

So, Matt and I spent our time with City Team a few weeks ago washing feet. It was beautiful, really. But I’ll get to my real point. 

I washed three men’s feet. The third man’s name was “Dancer”. He cut in line to get his feet washed, but somehow got away with it, so there he sat in my chair. Over the forty-five minutes we spent together, he shared with me how he been to jail for beating up his girlfriend and stabbing someone. He explained how he will never leave San Francisco because he can get SO much free stuff…how he doesn’t even need most of it…how he takes food and toiletries from City Team but has more than enough in the residential hotel room he lives in. He explained how he and his girlfriend have a crack habit and how he would dump her because she’s selfish, but then he’d be lonely. I didn’t like Dancer. To be completely honest and blunt about it, I was disgusted by him and there I was washing his feet, rubbing lotion on them, powdering them, right before he tried to take an extra pair of socks when everyone else only got one. Something that felt righteous in me did not want to be washing Dancer’s feet. Something in me told me he didn’t deserve it. No, I didn’t like Dancer and I wanted to excuse him from the foot-washing station and my presence. 

But then I remembered that I follow Jesus, who though none were deserving, not one, he kept himself on the cross for the sake of the greedy, murderous, idolatrous, deceitful, and rebellious world.

“Truly, truly I say to you, no servant is greater than his master…” John 13:16

This mandate of Jesus is difficult, but it is beautiful, it sets us free, and it is His Way. It is the way of undeserved grace, mercy, and service, and pure, true, and radical humility. Oh, to become more like him.  

Memory Verse (s) and more.

We are heading into our last 3 weeks of ministry on campus for this school year, and finishing our first year of full-time vocational ministry. There is so much to say of growth, struggle, learnings, joys, regrets, and praises. But, just for today, know that this verse has been and will be my prayer in these last few weeks, in the midst of weariness and the temptation to cruise to the finish line of May 13^th.

“Therefore my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing that in the Lord, your labor is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58

It's very comforting to know that, if in Lord, our work is never in vain. 

We received a training at our staff meeting today from our Campus Crusade Bay Area director. He is working on his Ph.d. right now, is a professor at Fuller seminary, and does ministry at Stanford. Really smart guy. He shared so much good stuff, but one thing he shared, in passing really, was what he used to share with his students at Stanford. He would tell them, "Stanford is making you a lot of promises they can't keep. If you bank on those promises they'll end in death. Life comes from Jesus Christ alone."

 We talked a lot today about how Jesus' promise of LIFE, and LIFE abundantly (John 10:9), is at the very heart of the gospel. That the promise of Christ is goodness and true life in the way God intended it. In all of our relationships- with God, self, others, creation, and our work- and in our lives here partly, but eventually, completely. 

At the end of the gospel of John, he summarizes by saying, "...these are written so that you may understand the Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." (John 20:31) Jesus came that we may have LIFE in his name. 

So...

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

It is healthy for me to remember the brevity of this life. As I remember the "here then gone again" nature of life- the vapor, dust to dust, passing wind nature of my humanity- it reminds me that my truest life is coming in God's kingdom, which necessitates a value shift in my days here. It makes my sojourning here and now more meaningful, more urgent, more rooted in the values of the kingdom that is here but not fully. It is good for me to remember that our time here is short so that I don't dig my roots too deep. 

Whether it is Stanford, Cal Poly, a magazine cover, my own desires for riches or praise, there are lots of promises of life, joy, peace, and fulfillment being thrown at me in the world; and yet, only one promise for life will truly hold up, and it is that we have life in His name. Thank you, Jesus.  

Lately I'm Lovin'...

My friend Kristy does a post on her blog every once in awhile where she lists things that she’s "lovin’" at the moment. Being the undulating, fickle, every changing creatures that we are, it’s always kind of interesting to stop and think of what kinds of things are bringing us most joy “lately”. So here's my top 10 list (in no specific order) for whatever it's worth to you! (And I do realize this is slightly vain and of very little consequence in light of eternity...but it's also kinda fun :)

Soy Milk.

It is seriously so good. I’ve been using it in everything and sneaking a chug or two throughout the day, too. Don’t tell Pedretti Ranches. It’s just a phase, I’m sure.

Nail Polish.

Never been one for always having my nails painted but I’m diggin’ it right now. I walked to Walgreen’s the other day and bought some really cheap nail polish, but SURPRISINGLY, it is really lasting. I’m always like a year late on trends, and I know I’m totally out of season for this, but I especially am loving wearing dark brown, purple, and grays on my fingers. I'm even headed to the nail salon tomorrow for one of maybe two pedicures I've had since our wedding!

My new journal.

It feels more organized and I’ve been putting quotes that I like or Scriptures that stick out over the top. Here is one such quote:


"The correct perspective is to see following Christ not only as the necessity it is, but as the fulfillment of the highest human possibilities and as life on the highest plane." -Dallas Willard

New Volcano candle.

Confession: I have never purchased a thing from Anthropologie. I lovvveee so much that they sell, particularly their home décor and kitchen section, but it’s just a little on the pricey end for me. I have been wanting the Capri Blue Volcano scented candle for the last four years, no joke. My time arrived. Got this little beauty for my birthday from my dear friend Eva who knew I’ve had my eye on hers. I haven’t burned it yet because I don’t want to use it up too fast, and yet, because I’m not burning it I haven’t gotten to enjoy it. Dilemma. I’m that way with gift cards, too. I don’t use them because then they’ll be gone, but the point of a gift card is to use it.

Screwtape Letters.

I read this book once in high school (I don’t even think I finished it) and it was a bit of a chore to get through it. I don’t think I was really “there” yet. But I am so enjoying it and have found it to be very insightful and challenging. C.S. Lewis is seriously brilliant. 

Taking a nap here.

This little patch of sunlight streaming in makes for the best naps. I’m not the biggest nap-er in general, but I’ll even just lay here for a few minutes to let the sun warm my legs. Taking this picture of myself from a laying down position nap position took a few try-s. 

Netflix.

Not only do we pay $10 to watch on average 3-4 movies a month via DVD, BUT instant streaming is the bomb. We have watched all of "Parks and Rec" Seasons 1 & 2 recently and love it so much. I have historically hated tv, but this show makes me laugh out loud big time. The characters are so loveable and quirky. I have also been doing “The Crunch Fat Burning Dance Party” workout circa 2004 and it’s a kick. Dancing in my living room is about the only thing that can get me to work out consistently. 

This recipe: 
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/cooking-live/creme-brulee-french-toast-recipe/index.html


Another shout out to Ev. 99.9% of the time when I leave a meal at the Van Horns I email Eva within the next 24 hours for the recipe. This time was no exception. I ate this for the first time over a month ago, made it once since then and have been dreaming of it ever since. And it's SO easy.

Lincoln Lawyer.



We saw this movie and realllllly liked it. I'm a Matthew McConaughey fan, in general (sue me), but I thought this movie was one of the better ones I've seen in awhile. I can, at times, have really terrible movie taste though and I wouldn't say I'm the best critic, but the reviews agree with me on this one, so I felt confident enough to share with you.


People using their gifts for the Kingdom.

Kind of a big one. But, recently I have had such an appreciation for people who have very specific gifts, abilities, knowledge, skills, and talents and use them for the the common good and to grow the Kingdom. Christine is a student in our ministry who is an incredible ceramist. I own a beautiful bowl, necklace, and vase all made by her and given to me as gifts. She is honestly incredibly sweet. For the Orphan Scholarship fund, a project we are working on within City Cru, she made close to 50 necklaces and we have been selling them to raise money to send orphan students to college in Honduras. They are selling like crazy. Also, our friend Jordan, is an gifted and knowledgeable salesman and businessman. He has been helping Matt and one of our students work on raising money through various corporations who might be willing to donate. He is meeting with them, setting up conference calls, wrote a sample letter, etc. There are tons of other ways that I've seen this play out whether it's musical talent, baking/cooking, acting, writing, etc. These are just two examples that I'm lovin' lately.   

Capturing Spring

There are few things as wonderful as a sunny, warm San Francisco day (maybe a sunny, warm San Luis Obispo day. We have surely lived in some great places.) Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons (though, I reallllly love summer, too. I'm not good at picking "favorite" things). Alas, spring finally arrived over the last few weeks and it has been truly wonderful. A beautiful day, the sun shining, a warm breeze, and blue skies can seriously do wonders for my soul. I think living in San Francisco makes you appreciate sunny days so much more because, let's get real, you see less of them than many of our fellow Californians. I like that I have a stronger and more sincere appreciation for the sun nowadays. I'm hoping the sun starts to appreciate me and gets me some color soon, too!! Just thought I'd share some photos I've taken on the go over the past couple of weeks as I've been happily welcoming Spring!

 I think clouds are so beautiful. Particularly when there is a brilliant blue behind them.  

On a walk at dusk. Dusk is my favorite time of day. Don't hold me to that, though. Again, I don't do favorites very well. I love looking over the city from a high point near our house.
 

Reading at the park. Sneak attack on Matt.  

This park is literally a 10 second walk from our house. Maybe 15 if a car doesn't let you cross at the crosswalk. Rude. I am really thankful for that. I love going and watching kids play there- which I realize is super creepy- but it reminds me of childhood, simplicity, carefree-ness, and they are just so darn cute. 

I take great pleasure from warm days. 

"This is the point of all pleasure... Pleasure says: “God is like this, only better; don’t make an idol out of me. I only point to him.” -John Piper

I can't imagine how pleasurable Heaven will be. Like a warm SF day forever. 

Retreating and the temptation to stay normal

Matt and I got the real privilege of attending CPC’s all church retreat this weekend. CPC is Matt’s home church, and what I feel like is mine, as well. We feel so loved and supported by so many of the gracious, kind, and generous people who call that church home. Seriously, these are quality people, and we always feel humbled and challenged by their humility and love.  We really enjoyed the time in the mountains, spending time with Matt’s parents, getting to see some friends that we don’t see often enough but love when we do, and hearing from a speaker who you could tell genuinely loves Jesus and wants to follow him with everything. By the end of the weekend I felt refreshed and like God had done some work in my heart, and I am really thankful for that. At times I can be a little cynical towards retreats, but there is something to be said for being reminded, stepping outside of normal routines and daily life, and taking stock of my heart. I need that regularly, I've realized. 

On another note though, I have been thinking about a scenario that played over this past weekend. It has been disturbing me, quite frankly. It was Sunday of the retreat, and God was graciously moving my heart to be full of love, gratitude, and joy towards him. It was a moment of repentance and turning. Of resolve and solitude. Of brokenness and yearning. I’m already an emotional kinda gal, but in moments like the ones I just described, I don’t stand a chance.

The speaker spent a lot of time this weekend on the reality of God speaking and how we need to allow him to speak to us. He spoke of the expectation of God surrounding you with his presence (maybe not all the time, but as you continue to seek him and to put yourself in a position to listen and learn, that he will eventually show up). I long for that a lot. For the very presence and reality of God to feel close. To be overwhelmed by him and to hear him speak to me. In the last moments of the retreat, God was graciously showing up and filling my heart, doing just what I long for.

I wanted to weep, to raise my hands, to get on my knees, to hug the person next to me, to pray out loud. Really, these things felt like an appropriate response. And yet, my response was to worry that the people around me would SEE me cry. Whatever would that think? That I didn't have it all together? So, I stopped thinking about the goodness of God, and the gratitude, love, joy, brokenness and yearning that were causing this emotion to well up in me. In a way, I turned off my mind to what God was doing, necessitating that I harden my heart to a degree, as if to say, “God, I want you to speak to me, but not here in front of all of these people, not now, and not in a way that could embarrass me.” In that moment, I chose to maintain my “dignity” before man.

I know that’s my fault. I showed in that moment a greater care for man’s opinion of me than God’s. That is totally a heart issue and something I have confessed to God, and am asking for his help in.

But, I wonder if you feel it in your churches, too? Like there is no room or space to be overwhelmed by God. To cry out to him or to be broken by him before others. It feels to me sometimes like we’re just “used” to hearing about God. He is common. We are unaffected, unemotional, and unwilling to look stupid. I feel this way at times and I know that I’m part of the problem. Quite honestly, it can make me uncomfortable when others are crying or being expressive in some "un-normal" way, but I don't think that's a good thing necessarily.   

It feels hard and scary for me to be the one who says “who cares” and responds to a move of God with exactly the expression that feels natural and that he gives me, but I know that hard and scary really are never good excuses or valid complaints. He has given me His Spirit precisely for the hard and scary.

Today, I listened to a sermon that Francis Chan gave about falling in love with God and how that is something only His Spirit can produce in us. He noted how when we pray for the Spirit it is often in order to DO some thing, miracle, act, or duty. Don’t get me (or him) wrong because we need to pray for the Spirit to empower us to live out the commandments of Christ. But he noted that we also need the Spirit to empower our inner beings to understand the love and deep truths of God that really transform us. So, today, I’ve been praying this for myself and for a few others:

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:14-19

I think if I can grasp the love of Christ, to know this love that surpasses knowledge, to be strengthened in my inner being so that Christ dwells in my heart- rooted and established in love, I will care far less about what others think, and spend my time being far more concerned with his love.

So, Spirit, produce this in your church so that we all may worship freely together and the church would be a place of undignified adoration and gratitude towards you who are so worthy. Amen.