Lately I'm Lovin'...

My friend Kristy does a post on her blog every once in awhile where she lists things that she’s "lovin’" at the moment. Being the undulating, fickle, every changing creatures that we are, it’s always kind of interesting to stop and think of what kinds of things are bringing us most joy “lately”. So here's my top 10 list (in no specific order) for whatever it's worth to you! (And I do realize this is slightly vain and of very little consequence in light of eternity...but it's also kinda fun :)

Soy Milk.

It is seriously so good. I’ve been using it in everything and sneaking a chug or two throughout the day, too. Don’t tell Pedretti Ranches. It’s just a phase, I’m sure.

Nail Polish.

Never been one for always having my nails painted but I’m diggin’ it right now. I walked to Walgreen’s the other day and bought some really cheap nail polish, but SURPRISINGLY, it is really lasting. I’m always like a year late on trends, and I know I’m totally out of season for this, but I especially am loving wearing dark brown, purple, and grays on my fingers. I'm even headed to the nail salon tomorrow for one of maybe two pedicures I've had since our wedding!

My new journal.

It feels more organized and I’ve been putting quotes that I like or Scriptures that stick out over the top. Here is one such quote:


"The correct perspective is to see following Christ not only as the necessity it is, but as the fulfillment of the highest human possibilities and as life on the highest plane." -Dallas Willard

New Volcano candle.

Confession: I have never purchased a thing from Anthropologie. I lovvveee so much that they sell, particularly their home décor and kitchen section, but it’s just a little on the pricey end for me. I have been wanting the Capri Blue Volcano scented candle for the last four years, no joke. My time arrived. Got this little beauty for my birthday from my dear friend Eva who knew I’ve had my eye on hers. I haven’t burned it yet because I don’t want to use it up too fast, and yet, because I’m not burning it I haven’t gotten to enjoy it. Dilemma. I’m that way with gift cards, too. I don’t use them because then they’ll be gone, but the point of a gift card is to use it.

Screwtape Letters.

I read this book once in high school (I don’t even think I finished it) and it was a bit of a chore to get through it. I don’t think I was really “there” yet. But I am so enjoying it and have found it to be very insightful and challenging. C.S. Lewis is seriously brilliant. 

Taking a nap here.

This little patch of sunlight streaming in makes for the best naps. I’m not the biggest nap-er in general, but I’ll even just lay here for a few minutes to let the sun warm my legs. Taking this picture of myself from a laying down position nap position took a few try-s. 

Netflix.

Not only do we pay $10 to watch on average 3-4 movies a month via DVD, BUT instant streaming is the bomb. We have watched all of "Parks and Rec" Seasons 1 & 2 recently and love it so much. I have historically hated tv, but this show makes me laugh out loud big time. The characters are so loveable and quirky. I have also been doing “The Crunch Fat Burning Dance Party” workout circa 2004 and it’s a kick. Dancing in my living room is about the only thing that can get me to work out consistently. 

This recipe: 
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/cooking-live/creme-brulee-french-toast-recipe/index.html


Another shout out to Ev. 99.9% of the time when I leave a meal at the Van Horns I email Eva within the next 24 hours for the recipe. This time was no exception. I ate this for the first time over a month ago, made it once since then and have been dreaming of it ever since. And it's SO easy.

Lincoln Lawyer.



We saw this movie and realllllly liked it. I'm a Matthew McConaughey fan, in general (sue me), but I thought this movie was one of the better ones I've seen in awhile. I can, at times, have really terrible movie taste though and I wouldn't say I'm the best critic, but the reviews agree with me on this one, so I felt confident enough to share with you.


People using their gifts for the Kingdom.

Kind of a big one. But, recently I have had such an appreciation for people who have very specific gifts, abilities, knowledge, skills, and talents and use them for the the common good and to grow the Kingdom. Christine is a student in our ministry who is an incredible ceramist. I own a beautiful bowl, necklace, and vase all made by her and given to me as gifts. She is honestly incredibly sweet. For the Orphan Scholarship fund, a project we are working on within City Cru, she made close to 50 necklaces and we have been selling them to raise money to send orphan students to college in Honduras. They are selling like crazy. Also, our friend Jordan, is an gifted and knowledgeable salesman and businessman. He has been helping Matt and one of our students work on raising money through various corporations who might be willing to donate. He is meeting with them, setting up conference calls, wrote a sample letter, etc. There are tons of other ways that I've seen this play out whether it's musical talent, baking/cooking, acting, writing, etc. These are just two examples that I'm lovin' lately.   

Capturing Spring

There are few things as wonderful as a sunny, warm San Francisco day (maybe a sunny, warm San Luis Obispo day. We have surely lived in some great places.) Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons (though, I reallllly love summer, too. I'm not good at picking "favorite" things). Alas, spring finally arrived over the last few weeks and it has been truly wonderful. A beautiful day, the sun shining, a warm breeze, and blue skies can seriously do wonders for my soul. I think living in San Francisco makes you appreciate sunny days so much more because, let's get real, you see less of them than many of our fellow Californians. I like that I have a stronger and more sincere appreciation for the sun nowadays. I'm hoping the sun starts to appreciate me and gets me some color soon, too!! Just thought I'd share some photos I've taken on the go over the past couple of weeks as I've been happily welcoming Spring!

 I think clouds are so beautiful. Particularly when there is a brilliant blue behind them.  

On a walk at dusk. Dusk is my favorite time of day. Don't hold me to that, though. Again, I don't do favorites very well. I love looking over the city from a high point near our house.
 

Reading at the park. Sneak attack on Matt.  

This park is literally a 10 second walk from our house. Maybe 15 if a car doesn't let you cross at the crosswalk. Rude. I am really thankful for that. I love going and watching kids play there- which I realize is super creepy- but it reminds me of childhood, simplicity, carefree-ness, and they are just so darn cute. 

I take great pleasure from warm days. 

"This is the point of all pleasure... Pleasure says: “God is like this, only better; don’t make an idol out of me. I only point to him.” -John Piper

I can't imagine how pleasurable Heaven will be. Like a warm SF day forever. 

Retreating and the temptation to stay normal

Matt and I got the real privilege of attending CPC’s all church retreat this weekend. CPC is Matt’s home church, and what I feel like is mine, as well. We feel so loved and supported by so many of the gracious, kind, and generous people who call that church home. Seriously, these are quality people, and we always feel humbled and challenged by their humility and love.  We really enjoyed the time in the mountains, spending time with Matt’s parents, getting to see some friends that we don’t see often enough but love when we do, and hearing from a speaker who you could tell genuinely loves Jesus and wants to follow him with everything. By the end of the weekend I felt refreshed and like God had done some work in my heart, and I am really thankful for that. At times I can be a little cynical towards retreats, but there is something to be said for being reminded, stepping outside of normal routines and daily life, and taking stock of my heart. I need that regularly, I've realized. 

On another note though, I have been thinking about a scenario that played over this past weekend. It has been disturbing me, quite frankly. It was Sunday of the retreat, and God was graciously moving my heart to be full of love, gratitude, and joy towards him. It was a moment of repentance and turning. Of resolve and solitude. Of brokenness and yearning. I’m already an emotional kinda gal, but in moments like the ones I just described, I don’t stand a chance.

The speaker spent a lot of time this weekend on the reality of God speaking and how we need to allow him to speak to us. He spoke of the expectation of God surrounding you with his presence (maybe not all the time, but as you continue to seek him and to put yourself in a position to listen and learn, that he will eventually show up). I long for that a lot. For the very presence and reality of God to feel close. To be overwhelmed by him and to hear him speak to me. In the last moments of the retreat, God was graciously showing up and filling my heart, doing just what I long for.

I wanted to weep, to raise my hands, to get on my knees, to hug the person next to me, to pray out loud. Really, these things felt like an appropriate response. And yet, my response was to worry that the people around me would SEE me cry. Whatever would that think? That I didn't have it all together? So, I stopped thinking about the goodness of God, and the gratitude, love, joy, brokenness and yearning that were causing this emotion to well up in me. In a way, I turned off my mind to what God was doing, necessitating that I harden my heart to a degree, as if to say, “God, I want you to speak to me, but not here in front of all of these people, not now, and not in a way that could embarrass me.” In that moment, I chose to maintain my “dignity” before man.

I know that’s my fault. I showed in that moment a greater care for man’s opinion of me than God’s. That is totally a heart issue and something I have confessed to God, and am asking for his help in.

But, I wonder if you feel it in your churches, too? Like there is no room or space to be overwhelmed by God. To cry out to him or to be broken by him before others. It feels to me sometimes like we’re just “used” to hearing about God. He is common. We are unaffected, unemotional, and unwilling to look stupid. I feel this way at times and I know that I’m part of the problem. Quite honestly, it can make me uncomfortable when others are crying or being expressive in some "un-normal" way, but I don't think that's a good thing necessarily.   

It feels hard and scary for me to be the one who says “who cares” and responds to a move of God with exactly the expression that feels natural and that he gives me, but I know that hard and scary really are never good excuses or valid complaints. He has given me His Spirit precisely for the hard and scary.

Today, I listened to a sermon that Francis Chan gave about falling in love with God and how that is something only His Spirit can produce in us. He noted how when we pray for the Spirit it is often in order to DO some thing, miracle, act, or duty. Don’t get me (or him) wrong because we need to pray for the Spirit to empower us to live out the commandments of Christ. But he noted that we also need the Spirit to empower our inner beings to understand the love and deep truths of God that really transform us. So, today, I’ve been praying this for myself and for a few others:

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:14-19

I think if I can grasp the love of Christ, to know this love that surpasses knowledge, to be strengthened in my inner being so that Christ dwells in my heart- rooted and established in love, I will care far less about what others think, and spend my time being far more concerned with his love.

So, Spirit, produce this in your church so that we all may worship freely together and the church would be a place of undignified adoration and gratitude towards you who are so worthy. Amen.

Birthday weekend haps.

I write to you for the first time as a 24 year old. That’s still so young, huh? I feel older than that, but well, I’m not. 24 it is, and I'm lookin' forward to a new year of life. I had a great birthday weekend and wanted to share just a few pictures from it. 

First, on Friday, Matt threw me a surprise party. I...was...shocked. It was seriously the most surprised I have ever been, maybe ever. We went to dinner for Thai food beforehand with our dear friends Jordan and Eva. Jordan's birthday was earlier in the week so we were both on the birthday train. Dinner was fun enough for me. I love spending time with the Van Horns, but no! That wasn't all. Our plan as far as I knew was to go back to the Van Horn's for cake and ice cream with a few other friends, but little did I know it would be thirty other friends. It was a joint party for Jordan and I that Eva and Matt had put together and it was such a blessing.

 This is my friend Alex. She's great and made me homemade ice cream and fudge. We work together and I'm SO glad. 

 Look who made it out to San Francisco for the occasion! I was so excited to see these old friends. I thought I would be seeing them the next day for our own little celebration but they made it out for the surprise, as well, and it was so fun to have blend my worlds a bit. 

 Waidley's. Love 'em. 

 This is my dear, sweet friend Eva. I love her. She was the hostess with the mostess and party planner extraordinaire. Again, love her. 

 Our awesome sign. 

 There's Dusty. Always the life of the party. 

 This guy really spoiled me all weekend and made one very happy birthday girl. He really kept this a secret, too. Totally respectable secret keeper. 

 Friends.

The second event of the weekend was a de-lish brunch with some friends from college (and from the present, but you know what I mean). We had egg casserole, creme brulee french toast, bacon, fruit, coffee and juice. It was so fun to host them all at our home and to spend some time together all together like we haven't in awhile. 

 We missed you Bethany, Kimmy, and Lyss!

Matt also made a surprise appointment for me to have a Thai massage, which I was a little nervous about at first, but it was AMAZING. He knew just what I would want for a gift. We went to dinner that night at "The Richmond"- a classy restaurant in our neighborhood. It was lovely and classy and I wore a dress, which is usually only confined to weddings. On Sunday, we went to church and to a flea market I've been wanting to go to. My parents and Sunnie and Cory came over later in the day. We went for a walk- one of my favorite things in the world, especially around our house- and then went out to dinner. 

Walkin'. 

All in all, it was an incredibly restful weekend. I'm thankful for good friends- and to have "made new friends and kept the old". I'm thankful for good food. For Matt and a husband who works hard to show me how much he loves me and make me feel special. I'm thankful to live close to my parents. And for people who call, text, facebook, and snail mail me for doing nothing but being born. I'm thankful to live in a beautiful city. I'm thankful to be alive and to be created as "his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (ephesians 2) Here's to 24 and another year of adventures!

The world beyond my own: Japan

The images from Japan are mind-blowing and sobering. “Duh” and “To say the least” and “you’re a week and half late on this one” are probably appropriate responses to the former statement. I don’t know how else to describe the pictures I see, though. I can’t fathom it. I’m sad and confused and horrified and heart broken (though I need to pray God really breaks my heart in a way that continues to move me to action and to not forget the suffering of these people).

Around the New Year, Matt and I signed up for a series of emails that give you a prayer guide each day for a different country around the world. For example, one day it would give you the profile of, let’s say, Chile- facts, history, prayer requests, etc. It was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever tried to undertake, and sadly, I kind of gave up after awhile. I still get the emails and if I’m honest, most days I delete them.

I found it (and find it) so hard to pray for the world- places I’ve never been, people I’ve never met, things I don’t really understand. Some of the images and facts I would read on the Operation World Prayer emails were beyond the levels of brokenness, poverty, corruption, injustice, and hurt that I can comprehend. I haven’t traveled much (like, at all) and if there is one reason that I really want to go places and see the world, it is because I long to have my heart be able to connect to these people and places that are outside of my realm of knowledge or experience, but where I am certain God is working. I know he works differently “there” (nowhere specifically, but just outside of the U.S. and our wealth and medicine and bank accounts) than he does here, and I want to see it and be a part of it. I want to experience a different culture and worldview because I know that the image of God is in those people, as well. Until we get the chance to go see the world (I’m setting a goal to go SOMEWHERE in the next two years), I know that I need to develop a heart that believes God has given us prayer as a “wartime walkie-talkie” and that I can be engaged in the world from my living room, car, pillow, or shower.

There is a sweet girl in my freshman Bible study who LOVES Japan- like a God-given, pure, wants to move there and serve those people forever kind of love. She single-handedly put on a bake sale last week on campus to raise money to send to the Red Cross. She raised $150. I respect her so much.

Like I was saying, it’s been hard to pray for the world, and yet all I feel like there is to do for Japan right now is pray. I feel helpless beyond that, and sending some money. But more than money (though that’s totally necessary) these suffering Japanese souls and bodies need hope and peace, comfort and the very presence of God. I honestly don’t understand how this all works or why this happened. But in the ways God has personally revealed to me that He is real and good, I will trust him and believe that in this He is compassionate, loving, and merciful.

Some photos I took from Ocean Beach.

Another sobering thought that has come out of this tragedy is that I don’t know what makes me think that we could never be Japan. Somehow I think that I could never know that level of trauma, crisis, and suffering. It’s as though as a white, middle class American I have been made exempt from these things. It terrifies me when I think about the fact that I’m not exempt. Instead of it just being a warning, there really could have been a tsunami in San Francisco. And earthquakes aren’t unheard of in this City by the Bay, let’s just say that. We’re not so different than Japan, and that’s scary. We live just a few blocks from Ocean Beach and I have been down there a few times this week just to watch the waves. It’s surreal to 

think that this is the same ocean that just killed 5,000 plus people.

Despite my fear in those things, I think it’s really good for me to realize I’m not an exception to the world and that I really could be severely affected by natural disaster or some other kind of event we view as a tragedy in the world. It reminds me I’m not in control, God is powerful and sovereign, and forces me to question once again if I agree with Paul that “to live is Christ, and to die is [actually] gain.” There is a layer of peace on top of my terror that says that God really is good and trustworthy.

Anyways, I just don’t want to forget about these people or the world that is alive with suffering, injustice, and yet still God's love, outside of my own.

A little part of how I'm doing and what I'm learning

Well, hello blog world.

This feels like one of the nicest moments I’ve had in awhile. It’s pouring outside. I have a chai latte with soymilk that I was able to make from the pleasure of my own home. My husband is asleep on the couch “listening” to a basketball game (basketball games are a large part of my life recently and I don’t anticipate that changing until March Madness ends. I give it to him this time of year though. It makes him real happy.) I have a candle lit and I just got out of the shower. Sure, we have to leave for Bible Study in 40 minutes, but the feat of not only getting a moment to be on the couch, but to actually be productive and feel mental energy is something I don’t quite feel like I’ve experienced enough recently.

To be honest, I’ve been feeling utterly exhausted. It’s been really hard to wake up in the morning (not just because of daylight savings, but seriously that has only compounded my struggles). And then, when I do have a spare moment at home during the day or at night I feel like all I want to do is sleep or “veg” out, leaving little time or energy for things that actually, truly give me life and create new energy. I don’t think I’m unique, necessarily, and I certainly don’t want to be a martyr and pretend that my life is harder than anyone else’s. It’s NOT. Everyone is busy. Everyone wants more time. Everyone is tired. Such is life on this side of eternity and living life in a Kingdom that is both here but not quite yet. I am no exception and yet I’m feeling some of these pains right now.

If you had asked me how I was doing a month ago, I would have told you that I was in a really great place with the Lord. I felt like for the first time, maybe ever, I was learning how to walk in God’s Spirit, how to really pray, and I was yearning for God to move and work in my life and in the lives of those around me. My times with the Lord were rich and encouraging and I really couldn’t get enough of God’s Word. And, in fact, I feel like I really did see the Lord move in very specific and identifiable ways all around me, and it was beautiful and encouraging and faith affirming.

I don’t feel those things as strongly right now. That doesn’t change a thing about God, His Spirit, or His Word. It certainly doesn’t mean that God has stopped working in those around me or in me, and that those things are any less beautiful or true. It does mean that I move. I change. I’m not consistent. I can so quickly revert to a mode, not even consciously, where I try to live and minister and love out of my own “Leah-ness”- my personality, my knowledge, my love, my sufficiency, my energy. It’s pride, to just call it what it is, and it’s really ugly. I start to think that I was the one making things go well in the first place and so I could probably just keep trying, striving, working. I get excited so I add more to my plate. I over commit, start taking responsibility for other people, putting pressure on myself to see people lives change and to see Kingdom come. I don’t acknowledge it for a while because I have enough in the tank for that while, but then BAM! Burnout.

It’s easy for me to think this is a unique phenomenon to this season or stage of my life…this burnout cycle, exhaustion, longing for more time and energy. After doing some processing with Matt, he helped me to realize that this cycle and these feelings are not unique to ministry in San Francisco or life as a vocational missionary, but in fact are pretty consistent in my personality and in other seasons of my life across the board. Darn. I would have loved to blame it on “urban fatigue” or “culture shock” (don’t get me wrong…it could be minor elements of these things, as well.)

What I’m learning is that…

- I need God to keep doing fresh things in my life. To feel like I’m walking closely with God and growing in Him a month ago is not enough to sustain me today. I need Him today- to do something new and fresh and FOR today in my heart. Daily bread, if you will. Walking in the Spirit. A moment-by-moment dependency that can’t be stretched over a month, but that is truly needed…moment-by-moment.

- My identity is pretty messed up sometimes. This is probably the root of this issue and cycle for me. At my core, I believe that I am most valuable when my schedule is full, I don’t have to say no to anything, I’m working closer to 50 hours a week than 40, I don’t nap, watch T.V. or waste time, and when I can quantify and show you results from my work. This is the world’s “wisdom” and it is living and breathing in me and waging war against the identity that I really believe God would have me take on.  It terrifies me to “lessen my load” or to really rest myself. Despite the fact that my career choice at this point is vocational ministry I often even scoff at the idea that I need to personally be developed, to spend time being poured into by God, and that this will actually make me a better minister of the gospel. The wisdom of God, the cross even, is foolishness to the world.

I write to you from the middle of the exhaustion, burn out, and energy-less-ness and so I actually can’t wrap this post up with a tight and neat solution, lesson learned, or moral of the story. I don’t know if I really have one yet, or if I’ve really been able to diagnose and be honest with the most true and core issues this all points to. I guess I just wanted to share with you (whoever you are…) how I’m feeling, where I’ve been, and what God is doing in my life. He is doing good and necessary things, I believe. He is pointing out deficiencies in my character and my personality. I’m hoping he will make me a more healthy, balanced person, with an identity more firmly rooted in Jesus and not in myself.

A man that I really respect was telling me the other day that his wife (both are also on staff with Campus Crusade), will often say, “I need the ministry.” He explained that what she means by this is that as much as it’s her job to DO the ministry and facilitate the Spirit of God working in other’s lives, she needs the Spirit to minister to her own life more.

I'm not sure if any of this even made sense, but...I certainly need the ministry. 

M.V.'s to encourage

I’ve had to shorten my memory verses lately. Now that the busyness of life is back in full swing (note blog neglect), I don’t have quite as much time to memorize long Scriptures. But, I thought I’d share a few recent ones, in the hope of encouraging you and sharing how God has been using them in my life.

“But God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation, through Jesus Christ our Lord who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him.” 1 Thessalonians 5:9-10

[This is the good news! God hasn’t destined me for his wrath, but through Jesus taking His wrath for us, I’ve been destined for salvation. In a world where questions of purpose and destiny and uncertainty are consuming, this is good news to my soul.]

“Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet he shall live; and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.” John 11:25-26

[This almost makes me want to cry. My Grandpop has been in the hospital off and on for the past three weeks. It’s been a roller coaster especially for my dad and his siblings, and my exhausted Grandmom. He is still in the hospital as I write this, and there is a lot of uncertainty in terms of what will happen. My heart aches just thinking of his weak body lying in a hospital bed for so many days, and it aches for my family there with him, as well. I’ve shed my tears about it, and am certain I’ll shed many more. I’m thankful that God showed me this Scripture that gives me so much hope, so much joy, and so much peace- and that I was able to share it with my Grandpop in a letter. The reality is that our bodies give in and give out and if it’s not today, it’s another day…for ALL of us. The profound hope and promise that Jesus is offering here is that “though we die”…our bodies fail, accidents happen, life is a vapor, we are simply sojourning…we can really LIVE in him. As one prone to fear, my fear is relieved in light of Jesus’ words, and I am caused to worship.]

“But these are the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-25

[My, how I need the Spirit of God to produce these things in me! I actually had a moment yesterday where I told myself, “No matter what anyone does or says to me today, I’m just going to choose to be kind and patient and loving and gentle.” Not two minutes later I was being NONE of those things in response to a simple question from Matt of, “Do you think you’ll be ready to go on time?” I am so painfully aware of my need to walk in the Spirit and to ask God to help me be a woman that is honoring to him. ]

I really hope that in memorizing Scripture or doing anything in my spiritual life, I don’t mistake knowing about God for knowing God. I think knowing about him could be cool and is good for "giving a talk" or "sounding spiritual", but knowing God is life and death and everything good and true in between.